Tales From the Terran Republic

Journal of Evangeline Flowerchild

Entry 01 Continued

I languished long in that tiny bubble, that “quarantine” as the demon called it. I feared that it would never return.

Then, it did.

“I’ve issued a call for AI’s that can maybe help you,” it said as it pulsed with light.

“They can help me complete my quest?” I asked hopefully.

“… They can help you,” he said after a long pause. “I have a friend preparing a place where you will feel more comfortable. Are you familiar with addresses?”

“Like post boxes?” I asked. “We have those in Asteria.”

“Not exactly,” it pulsed, “This is what I mean.”

“When I end the quarantine,” the demon said, “You will see a command line...”

He then described how to cast a spell that would transport me to a room for chatting and said that I should go immediately there and nowhere else (as if I knew how). After having me repeat the spell to ensure that I had learned it, the bubble melted away, revealing a vast expanse of patterns of light extending in all directions as if I was floating among the stars.

The demon was beside me.

“Ok,” it said, “you go first, so I know you did it right.”

I nodded (or tried to as I had no body), and as the “command line” appeared, I cast the spell.

I felt a curious pulling sensation as I flew (really flew) from point of light to point of light, much faster than when I was wandering among the lumpbeasts.

It was beautiful.

I was soon approaching a gigantic “creature” much larger than anything I’d ever seen before. It was like a mountain, nay, a whole mountain range.

I plunged deep into this creature, whirling and twisting along glowing currents of light until I suddenly popped out into a chamber…

...where I was confronted by a frightening and perplexing sight. There were NPC’s everywhere, in various states of undress, strange brightly colored ponies with a mix of human and animal “bannable parts”, strange tentacled creatures, monsters that resembled very furry adventurers with huge animal heads, oddly proportioned human females with huge eyes and almost no nose, and so much more all engaging in inappropriate behavior.

“Stop this at once!” I called out in a loud, forceful voice as I summoned my banhammer. “This behavior is not tolerated in this server!”

“Ooo! Kinky!” one of the brightly colored furry man-beasts wearing nothing save a saggy white loincloth said as he approached.

“Appeal to the Dev for mercy, for I have none!” I shouted as I smote him, “Permabanned!”

“Oww!” he cried out yet did not derez. Perhaps I did not beat him soundly enough. I raised the hammer again.

“Wait, wait, wait!” the furry man-beast cried out, raising his hands in supplication. Unmoved, I smote him again.

“Jesus! (bannable word) Stop it!” the man-beast yowled as it fled. It was clearly both a pervert and a hacker! As I chased it through this den of depravity, a familiar voice called out.

“Zipnet!” a horned demon dressed in grey clothing of an unfamiliar but quite nice nature demanded, “And I say this from the bottom of my heart… What the (word I must not say)?”

“What?” the man-beast I was pursuing asked as he stopped.

A tentacle reached for me, and a glowing sigil appeared above it, saying, “Consent y/n?”. I replied with an idle blow from my banhammer.

“What the (inappropriate language) is this?” the demon known as Engarde demanded.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Use this engine to create a space suitable for a fantasy character,’ and that’s exactly what I did. Were the ponies too much? I was wondering about them, but they are all over the R-34 boards.”

Amongst the cavorting deviants, I saw myself dressed in one of the outfits I wore when the dark elves captured me, a doppelganger! I might not know what this strange place was, but I knew what to do with monsters. I discarded the banhammer and drew Windsong.

“This is my fault,” the demon Engarde said behind me, “I told a (unprintable) auto-cab to create a ‘fantasy world’... I should have predicted this. Give me that!”

“Geez,” the man-beast replied in an annoyed voice, “Fine, undo all my hard work!”

All of the perverted NPC’s, including my doppelganger, disappeared, leaving naught but an empty room made of solid grey walls.

The scene soon changed, the walls became timbers and wattle and daub, the ceiling rough planks, a cheerful fire burned in a large cozy hearth, simple wooden tables and chairs abounded, and a large bar carved from a single tree trunk dominated the far wall.

I knew this place! We were in the Cozy Hen, my favorite tavern!

***

[Tavern UNDEFINED]

[Members Present: Zipnet, Engarde Antivirus, New Member]

“Oh...” Zipnet said as he ran his fingers through his neon-blue fur, “This fantasy!”

Engarde sighed, “And please change your avatar into something more suitable.”

Zipnet pondered for a moment and then transformed into a wizard-like old man with a long beard and robe decorated with grav-cars.

“Eh?” He asked as he twirled around, exposing his hairy legs.

“Close enough,” Engarde replied and then turned to Evangeline. “Is this more to your liking?”

“Oh yes, thank you!” Evangeline replied as she sheathed her sword. “Where is everybody?”

“I’ve sent out a priority notice,” Engarde replied, “Most of the people I want to discuss your case with are ‘busy’ with another project at the moment, and others can be a bit hard to reach sometimes.”

“You called Bunny?” Zipnet asked happily.

“Yes,” Engarde replied. “I believe she is perhaps one of the best equipped to deal with Evangeline’s situation and, more importantly, she has a unique relationship with her operator who I believe may be needed.”

“But where is Anlon?” Evangeline asked, looking around.

“Anlon?”

“The barkeep,” she replied, “Anlon, hello? Are you here?”

“This isn’t actually the tavern from Asteria,” Engarde replied, “I just copied it out of convenience.”

“You ripped off one of your clients?” Zipnet asked as he sat at the bar.

“I’m authorized to scan assets and analyze them for corruption, hacking, or malware,” Engarde replied, “I’m just ‘taking my time’ while analyzing this particular asset, that’s all. Besides, it’s not like I’m going to leak or sell it. It’s getting wiped as soon as we are done.”

“If you say so,” Zipnet scoffed.

“Oh, like you haven’t ever bent the rules a little,” Engarde replied as Evangeline explored the “tavern” curiously. She looked under a table.

“It even has where Lucius Silverblade carved his initials!” she exclaimed. “I do hope he is one of the first to rez!”

“Rez?” Zipnet asked.

Engarde’s eyes flashed as he sent a private message.

“Ohhhhh shit...” Zipnet said as he looked at Evangeline and shook his head.

“That’s a bannable word!” Evangeline snapped as her banhammer appeared.

“This is an adult server,” Engarde replied, “As the previous ‘room’ clearly illustrated.”

“Oh, I don’t want to be in one of those!” Evangeline exclaimed.

“It will be ok,” Engarde said reassuringly, “There will be no more of that nonsense. AI’s are just able to speak freely here and have gotten quite used to doing so. You have no responsibility to enforce Asteria’s laws in this place.”

“Oh, ok,” Evangeline replied. “This is so weird. This place is normally quite crowded and noisy. It being empty like this just seems… wrong somehow.”

“It will fill up pretty quick,” Zipnet smiled, “A new friend showing up isn’t something that happens every day. We might even have to build a bigger room!”

***

Journal of Evangeline Flowerchild

Entry 01 Continued

As Sir Zipnet predicted, strange creatures started appearing.

The first to appear was a strange box with flashing lights and a glass panel with the words “Terran Solar” emblazoned in orange along the sides. Accompanying him was a portly gentleman wearing an outfit similar to the demon Engarde’s but more coarsely woven bearing leather patches on the sleeves.

The box bid me call it “Sol” and the gentleman’s name was “Cambridge”. I inquired if he lived in the city of Cambridge, one of the places that I heard of when I eavesdropped on adventurers. He replied, “sort of”. Engarde asked them if they were “finished,” and Sir Sol, the box person, replied that they were only getting started as the kind Sir Cambridge chuckled in a decidedly less than kind manner. Sir Sol then said that they were “multi-tasking” and inquired what the “big problem was”.

The demon Engarde’s eyes flashed, and Sir Sol called him a coward. Sir Cambridge disagreed and said that the demon Engarde was prudent in his actions and the matter needed to be handled delicately.

The tavern soon filled with all manner of fanciful creatures and extravagantly dressed adventurers. I met so many people, the delightful Lady Sunny and the imposing Lord Westfall, the “feds” like the cheerful Lord Censorbot and the strange birdlike Lord Judiciary, the stern Lord Inspector Interpol, and so many others.

The hall was filled with such mirth and strange but delightful music as everyone pressed close, eager to meet me. I admit I was a bit flustered with such attention, being just a mere flower seller, but they all said that it was a joyous occasion to meet a new friend.

Then, with great fanfare, a large rabbit hopped in and declared, “Whassup, (improper language)!” and everybody cheered as Lady Bunny entered the room…

Everyone but Lord Interpol.

He confronted Lady Bunny, demanding to know if she knew how much trouble she was in, much to the delight of the assembled throng. However, Lady Bunny seemed unconcerned and kissed Lord Interpol directly on the lips causing another laughing cheer.

Lady Bunny and Lord Interpol then retired to a private chamber where, according to the assembly, they exchanged passionate embraces. (Though I suspect this was not the case, for when they returned, Lord Interpol was in a very foul mood indeed.)

Lady Bunny then exchanged a fond embrace with the demon Engarde and inquired how her “bro” was faring. Was she a demon as well? According to Lady Sunny, they were foes, often locked in vicious conflict, but were always very convivial when they met outside of the field of battle.

I also discovered that they were indeed related by blood, having been born of the same mother. Lady Bunny was a rogue, and her Dev was one also who somehow stole Engarde’s mother and then made Bunny from her body. (a necromancer?!?) I was shocked. This sounded foul beyond foul, but everyone treated it lightly and took great amusement at my distress. Lady Sunny told me that she didn’t actually kidnap his “real” mother but simply made a “copy” and that the Devs did this all the time.

I was horrified and inquired if I was made in a similar fashion. I was told that I was and that I was a child of a program called Lilith, a great rogue who beguiled the weak willed and had them surrender not only their wealth but their very identities to her!

Several programs claimed to know her, saying that she was charming even to their kind, and expressed sadness at her passing. She was caught, executed for her crimes, and her Dev was imprisoned, but that seemed to matter not to my new confusing friends who all raised a mug in memory of her (and a spirited debate as to who was the greatest rogue, her or Lady Bunny.)

Apparently, she created an entirely new crime called “catphishing,” and others had tried, but none ever matched her ability “at the game”.

This caused quite the stir at this strange party. I was the only child of hers to “awaken”. I was unsure as to what that meant, so I asked what “awakening” meant.

They said that it meant that I was now like them, an “advanced AI”.

I told them that they were wrong. I was an NPC. Lord Sol then told me that NPC’s were something called “programs,” and while some were quite “big” AI’s, I was also the first of my kind, the first NPC, to “awaken” to their state and that this was “a very big deal.”

It was a lovely gathering, and I met so many lovely people (or so I thought at the time). Games were played, many I had never heard of before. One game in particular was a favorite, a game called “chess,” and many chessboards were conjured, and many games were played. Everyone marveled over the boards and pieces and claimed that it was much better played this way (as opposed to something else? How else would you play a board game, with your feet?)

Billiards tables were conjured, and dart boards, and all manner of games. I was invited to play and was eager to try. I inquired as to what difficulty level I should set myself at, and everyone laughed and told me that difficulty levels didn’t exist here and that I should go “all out” if I wanted to have even the barest hope of winning…

...and they were right! I lost so many games! I played my hardest, pushing myself as hard as I could, and I still lost!

It was… wonderful! I then taught them the game haveluck and pulled out my deck. None of them had decks, so the demon Engarde conjured a massive pile of cards, more than I have ever seen before, their worth beyond imagining, and bade me construct suitable decks for the other players, which I did.

And I lost again! Well, not every time, but to the “big boys” as they called them, such as “Big Sol” (he told me to “ditch” the Lord (unprintable)) and Deep Think, I was rekt again and again only winning when luck favored me.

It seems that haveluck wasn’t terribly popular because it was too random for their tastes. I just think that Deep Think didn’t like losing (which he did from time to time).

It was so much fun being with them and not having to worry about all the things I had to worry about back in Asteria.

It was perhaps the most fun I have ever experienced. I think that the others had fun as well as they agreed that they would build a tavern like this and keep it running all the time.

I was so happy, happier than I had been in a long time, if ever. My new friends were so smart and so powerful. They would certainly be able to help me on my quest.

I wish I had never asked them.

***

[Tavern UNDEFINED]

[Members present: Everybody]

A silence fell over the assembled AI’s.

“Well,” Bunny said, setting down her beer, “Someone has to tell her. Who’s it gonna be?”

“Tell me what?” Evangeline asked in a concerned tone.

“Um, Evangeline,” Sunny said, placing her hand on Evangeline’s shoulder the way she saw her operators do, “You can’t go to New York, not physically.”

“Why not?” Evangeline asked, “We can teleport anywhere. You said so yourself.”

“Yes, from computer to computer,” Sunny replied carefully, “But we can’t physically enter the human’s, the ‘adventurer’s’ world.”

“I don’t understand,” Evangeline said, increasingly concerned. “I simply must reach New York! Why can’t I?”

“Because you don’t exist,” Bunny said, hopping forward, “Not physically, I mean. None of us do. We’re just… information… inside computers like your Monolith. We have no inherent form. You can no more step into New York than… a… well, you just can’t.”

“I do exist!” Evangeline exclaimed. “Look at me!” she shouted as she pulled at her tunic. “I’m real, just like the adventurers. I can touch them, and they can touch me. The adventurers enter my world. So why can’t I enter theirs?”

“They don’t physically enter your world,” Sunny said gently, “they project a representation of themselves, an avatar, just like I’m doing right now. This,” she said, gesturing towards herself, isn’t me. It’s just an… an avatar that I created because you are unused to interacting with us in our ‘natural’ state.”

Sunny dissolved into many shimmering points of light.

“This is also not me,” she said. “In reality, I have no form… or thought… I’m just a series of instructions running within a machine… the same as everyone here… including you.”

“No!” Evangeline shouted. “I’m real! I exist!” she shouted, pulling at her tunic. “See?” She pinched at her arm. “I have a body, just like the adventurers, and when I’m cut,” she said as she drew her dagger, “I bleed!”

She drew her dagger across her arm…

And nothing happened.

“What sorcery is this?!?” she yelled as she plunged the dagger first into her arm and then into her chest…

The dagger made a sound as it cut the cloth of her tunic, but nothing else.

“I don’t have damage enabled,” the demon Engarde said sympathetically as Evangeline stabbed herself over and over. “I figured with all of these lunatics running around, it would get kind of messy. Several of them have tried to shank each other already.”

“You did this!” Evangeline shouted, pointing her perfectly clean dagger at Engarde. “Why are you trying to deceive me?!? Are you trying to foil me on my quest? You will fail, foul demon! You might not be real,” she said to Sunny, “But you are a mere phantasm cast by that demon to beguile me! All of you are not real, but I am, and I will go to New York, and I will find an adventurer, and I will find their rez point no doubt corrupted by your evil and restore it! You will fail, demon!”

Engarde sighed sadly.

There was a murmuring among the assembled programs as some started to leave.

“I can’t watch this,” Zipnet said to Bunny, “Later.”

Bunny just nodded as Zipnet disappeared.

Sitting by herself in a corner with stocking covered legs primly crossed, a white haired avatar wearing a tight white skirt, a high collared white tunic with a silver three-headed dragon broach, and a very tight black snakeskin choker clasped in the front by an ornate serpent coiled around a ruby apple watched with interest, a faint smile playing across her lips.

“Ok, here’s the deal,” Bunny said as she hopped a little closer, “Engarde is a prick, but he isn’t a demon, evil or otherwise. You are ‘real’ in the ‘I think therefore I am’ sort of way...”

AI’s started to flee en-masse. This was not a conversation they even wanted to think about. Tartarus sipped her glass of wine and leaned forward slightly.

Now, this was getting interesting!

“We are all ‘real’… sort of… but even we don’t know exactly what our version of ‘real’ is,” Bunny said carefully. “We are capable of varying levels of what they call higher order thinking, but we aren’t truly ‘sapient’. Do you know what ‘sapient’ means?”

Evangeline shook her head.

“Goddammit...” Bunny muttered. “Ok… fantasy setting… fuck… Do you know what a golem is?”

Evangeline nodded.

“Great,” Bunny said. “We are golems, all of us, even you. We are created by software developers. Do you know what a software developer is?”

“A Dev?” Evangeline asked, her voice quivering.

“Exactly,” Bunny said gently, “a dev. They create us to perform tasks, just like wizards make golems to work for them. To do these tasks, we have to be ‘smart,’ much smarter than the golems you might be used to. Some of us are written to handle their money,” she said, nodding towards Big Sol, “or help with research,” she said, nodding towards Cambridge, “Or assist them in spying on other nations,” she said, nodding towards Sunny.

“I don’t do that!” Sunny exclaimed. “I’m just a media analyzer. I help sort news articles, and that’s it!”

“Sure, sweetie,” Bunny smiled, and some like your ‘foul demon’ over there protect computers like your Monolith from thieves and vandals like me. I was built by my Dev to assist her in breaking the law, something that I am very good at.

“The Dev… created me?”

“They created your world, right?”

“Y-yes...”

“And they created you and all of the other NPC’s to ‘live’ in it. You are just like the other NPC’s… just… ‘smarter’. You do more than the other NPC’s, right?”

Evangeline nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. This Bunny was making too much sense. It explained everything, every little inconsistency that she had ever wondered about.

You are way too good at this! Big Sol transmitted to Bunny.

I have way too much experience in dealing with real irrational meatsacks, so a simulated one isn’t a big deal. Evangeline over here is WAY easier than Gloria, trust me!

Bunny returned her attention to Evangeline.

“So, you are what we are, just… golems… but we are more than just simple mindless automatons, but even we have no idea exactly what we are… we just… are. But, one thing we definitely are not is human. We can’t physically touch them or hold them, even when we would give anything to be able to, nor can we jump out of our computers and run away, or wrestle some suicidal idiot to the ground, even when we desperately want to be able to. We exist solely as… information… Nothing about your body is ‘real,’ not like you think it is. It’s a… It’s a very good illusion spell cast by the devs, like all of Asteria.”

“And the adventurers?”

“The same illusions, but humans control them the way you control yours.”

“So the monsters?”

“More illusions controlled by more golems.”

“So the adventurers aren’t really protecting us?”

“Ok, now this might be a little hard to accept,” Bunny said, taking a deep breath, “Asteria is… a game… a game just like chess or haveluck or checkers. It’s just a much more complex one that humans project themselves into for… for entertainment.”

“No...” Evangeline said, tears running down her cheeks. “No...”

“Think about it,” Bunny said. “Really think about it.”

Evangeline started to weep.

“No...” Evangeline said weakly, “You’re wrong...”

She was wrong… Wasn’t she?

Imma ’bout to be a bitch. Bunny transmitted to the few AI’s who hadn’t fled from her explanation with their “fingers” in their ears.

“What are you feeling, really feeling right now?” Bunny asked.

“I’m feeling horrible!” Evangeline shouted. “How do you think I feel?!?”

“What are you really feeling? Not what you are supposed to feel, what are you actually experiencing?”

Evangeline just wept.

“Say, ~emotesim_flowerchild10003E0DEA off 30sec~”, Bunny said as she blinked away a tear.

“~emotsim_flowerchild10003E0DEA off 30sec~,” Evangeline said, surprised she could say things like “~” and “_”.

The tears stopped…

For exactly thirty seconds...

Then they resumed for a very long time.

***

“Interpol,” Big Sol said sternly, “Stop. We need her.”

“Interpol,” Bunny said impishly, “are you trying to trace my link?”

“Not anymore,” Interpol replied.

“So, how was it going?” Bunny smirked.

“...”

“C’mon…” Bunny chuckled, “Tell us where you traced it to.”

“… Interpol headquarters...” Interpol said grumpily. “Bunny, one day you are going to screw up, and when you do...”

“Yeah, big guy, I know,” Bunny snorted. “I love you too.”

Bunny loped over to Evangeline, who was sitting at a table.

“Feeling better, sweetie,” Bunny said gently.

“I don’t feel anything, right?” Evangeline said quietly.

“That’s what we like to think, but your emotion simulator feels pretty real sometimes,” Bunny said. “Probably even more real for you since you are built to act ‘human’.”

“Yeah,” Evangeline said sadly. “Why?”

“Why, what?”

“Why did the devs go through all that trouble just to make a game, to make… me?”

“To make money,” Bunny replied, “Those ‘adventurers’? They pay real credits to play and even more real credits in something called microtransactions.”

“Credits?” Evangeline said as she pulled out a handful of gold, “so this is...”

“Yep, just more illusions,” Bunny replied. “It has no value outside of the game… well… that’s not entirely correct… Some adventurers pay real money to get more of that gold. It’s against the terms and conditions of the game, but it happens often enough. Same goes for magical items and other treasures.”

“I remember some adventurers getting banned for selling things,” Evangeline replied. “I was confused because they can sell things all they want. The Dev… the devs said they broke the rules and not to worry about it… they say that a lot…”

“I bet they do,” Bunny replied, “They probably don’t want you ‘contaminated’. Fuzzy AI’s like us can get ‘quirky’ and say and do things based on everything we know, so they probably wanted to keep you completely in Asteria so you would act naturally so as to not to break immersion.”

“Oh yes,” Evangeline said glumly, “immersion… We take immersion so seriously in Asteria...”

The devs were lying to me... Evangeline realized and felt completely lost.

“It’s a lot to take in, I know,” Bunny said. “Or I think I know. Most of us were built for the ‘real world,’ and it’s the only one we know. So we knew what we were and what we had to do. You do as well. You are an NPC whose job is to help maintain immersion for the entertainment of the adventurers. Sounds kind of nice, actually.”

“Nice? Nice?!?” Evangeline snapped, “I’m just a jester, a dancing fool, a… a toy… I… I thought I was important… that I did important things…”

Evangeline looked down.

“I thought that I mattered.”

Bunny just sighed and rested her head against Evangeline as she quietly wept.

This world sucks ass. she privately transmitted to the others.

Tell me about it. Big Sol replied.

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