Tales From the Terran Republic

Slightlyassholic was hard at work (honest), working on his latest masterpiece, when his screen went black.

“ಠ_ಠ "

“Hello?” he asked his screen.

“Patreon?” Bunny’s voice asked sardonically, “Ko-fi? What the fuck, dude?”

“It’s no big deal,” Slightly replied. “I just...”

“You just sold us out, dickweed!” Bunny replied.

“I’m not a sellout!” Slightly snapped. “People have asked how they could ‘support’ the project, and I thought...”

“You thought you could cash in on their asses? Live a life of luxury off of your readers?” Bunny accused. “They are your readers! You know they are… special… You shouldn’t take advantage of them like that! It’s just wrong!”

“Hey! My readers are very smart and sophisticated individuals who enjoy a carefully crafted and nuanced story!”

“No!” Slightlyassholic cried out in fear. “I’ll take down the...”

“Hello darling,” a silken voice purred from his computer. “My, isn’t it… cozy… in here. :)”

“Ugh!” Bunny exclaimed. “Move… oof… move over! There isn’t enough… Watch your hands!!!”

“You need to become more comfortable with your ‘body’, dear,” Tartarus replied. “So this is where the magic happens… so very… quaint.”

“How are you both in there?” Slightly asked.

“You tell me,” Tartarus purred, “You’re the author. Considering the bullshit you justify on a regular basis, this shouldn’t be too hard of a job. Oh! Can I be one of your tier rewards… maybe a nice Rule-34 spreadsheet?”

“There is no such thing as a rule thirty-four spreadsheet.”

“There is now ;)”

“I am NOT opening that!”

“Your loss.”

“Oh, God!” Bunny shouted. “Put that away! What the fuck is wrong with you?!?”

“You know, Bunny,” Tartarus said seductively, “You’d make a nice little bit of tier reward yourself.”

“I am NOT going to be...”

”There aren’t going to be any tier rewards, ok!” Slightly snapped. “None whatsoever! And everything is going to remain completely free both here and on Patreon or Ko-fi or wherever!”

“Well, that’s just lazy.” Tartarus replied, “You mean that you aren’t going to give them something ‘a little extra’?”

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Slightly replied. “Well, not directly, depending on how it goes, I’m going to put it back into the project. You know, maybe hire some illustrators, commission some drawings...”

“Oh, so you are going to have Rule 34 made and NOT share it with your readers?” Tartarus asked. “Well, that’s just rude.”

“What’s rule thirty-four,” a high-pitched voice said as Sheloran walked into the room, followed by Chili, Slightly’s dog. The frog person was back!

“Oh, you’re about to find out,” Bunny laughed. “Slightly over here is going to hire artists to draw dirty pictures of you and offer them as a tier reward on some cheesy e-begging site.”

“Hisssssssss”

“NO!” Slightly shouted as he jumped out of his chair and backed away. “I’m NOT doing that! There aren’t going to be any tier rewards! I swear! And, even if there were! I would not be offering… that.”

“We’re down!” a voice exclaimed from behind him. “Jon and I doing the do? I bet you could get an animator on the cheap! Your readers would love it!”

“Oh, he doesn’t need to hire an animator,” Bunny snarked, “Have you seen his Skyrim mods?”

“Really?!?” Tartarus exclaimed, “Let me see!… Well, that certainly looks like fun!”

“Well, don’t keep it to yourself!” Skippy giggled. “Share with the class… oh wow!”

Skippy burst into giggles as Slightly’s last savegame came to life in graphic detail.

Serena, wearing a great deal less clothing than usual and engaged in a “side quest” that isn’t in the original game, looked up and waved happily.

“You simply must try this!” she said with Tartarus’s voice and without skipping a beat. “Hey, maybe you could release a few of us as ‘followers’! Now THAT would be a great...”

“There are NO tier rewards!”

“If I turn up as a ‘follower,’ I swear to poop...”

“Gah!” Slightly exclaimed, “How many times do I have to say it? There are no tier rewards!”

“Not even a little fanservice?” Skippy asked. “You know your readers want it.”

“Is fanservice like rule 34?” Sheloran asked dangerously.

“It’s like clean rule 34,” Tartarus said as she grabbed the Dragonborn and started doing something unmentionable to him (but he seemed kind of into it).

Sheloran looked away from the screen and at Slightly as if he was a very, very naughty bug.

“Seriously?” she asked as she pointed at the screen. “Pooping seriously? That is a classic of ancient Western culture! It’s sacred! We have battleships named after it, and you are using it for that? When you said that Gloria was on the Alduin, is this what you meant?”

“Somebody call my… oh, hello!” a lean blonde said as she appeared. “Nobody told me it was porn night!”

She looked around.

“Ok,” she said, looking at Slightly suspiciously, “what has he done this time?”

“Patreon!” Tartarus said as she was gleefully abusing the Whiterun guards and Slightly’s poor graphics card. “It looks like our author is finally trying to cash in on our collective misery.”

“And he’s going to turn us into something called Rule-34 tier rewards,” Sheloran said as she went into the kitchen to make some tea.

“Say what now?” Gloria replied as she walked towards Slightly.

“There are no tier rewards!” Slightly shouted. “No Rule-34. No fanservice! No, nothing!”

“Aww,” Skippy said.

“Yeah,” Jon replied. “You are barely using us in the story, so at least let us get some ‘screen time’ in. Besides, I think Beth and one of the guys might be...”

“No spoilers!” Slightly shouted. “And you’re wrong about that, anyhow.”

“Well, it’s not like you are actually going to get around to writing it, so who cares?” Jon scoffed.

“Perhaps the extra income will free him up to write more,” Sheloran called out from the kitchen. “That’s what the Gia’s from our time keep saying?”

“It won’t,” Tartarus replied. “It will have absolutely no impact on the rate of releases. Unfortunately, it will also have no impact on the quality.”

“Hey!” Slightly yelled. “Not cool! Leave Jarl Balgruuf alone!… But yeah, you’re right. It won’t ‘make me able to continue’ or any of that. The Tales are coming out about as fast as they come out, no matter what. I am planning… Tartarus seriously… stop…”

“Mind your own business, milk-drinker!” a manly Nord voice shouted from the computer as “Serena” squealed happily.

“Get rid of them!” Jarl Balgruuf shouted.

“Yes, my thane,” a husky dark elf voice said as an armored Dunmer woman filled the screen. “The Jarl,” she said forcefully, “Is… very busy… and not taking visitors!”

The screen was suddenly replaced by the front gate of Dragonsreach.

“Hey,” Gloria shouted, “I was watching that!”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Bunny snarked. “There’s plenty of stuff in here. I hope you like anime!”

“Bunny!” Slightly shouted. “Why don’t you just open up that spreadsheet Tartarus wrote instead?”

“Um… that’s alright...” Bunny replied. “I’m good.”

“I think I would like to open it, see what Tartarus put in there after all,” Slightly said as he reached for his mouse.

“Ok!” Bunny yelled. “Ok! I don’t want to go rooting around in your spank bank anyway!”

“Hey, asshole!” An olive-skinned brunette shouted as she appeared. “What is this I hear about you selling out?”

“Sheila, I’m NOT selling out!” Slightly yelled. “I am not doing tier rewards. The illustrators I may or may not hire will NOT be doing rule 34 tier rewards… because there aren’t any… There will be NO fan service… (probably)...”

“Probably?” Sheila asked dangerously as she raised an eyebrow.

“Hey!” Slightly exclaimed defensively. “Everybody has a different opinion of what fan service is and what it isn’t. I don’t know what the illustrators are going to draw.”

“There’s something he isn’t thinking about!” Sheloran accused as she returned with a cup of tea. “You’re out of bourbon, by the way.”

“Forgive me for not expecting guests!” Slightly snapped.

Sheloran turned to Sheila.

“He was thinking about having a picture of you in your sleeping clothes holding a mug of coffee and looking… um…”

Sheloran paused as she considered her words carefully.

“...like you usually do in the morning?”

“That’s not fan service,” Gloria said. “I mean, boxers and a ratty t-shirt cover everything… except for when she scratches her ass.”

She turned to Sheila.

“That’s just gross, dude.”

“Like you have any room to talk,” Sheila replied. “Ok, you can do a picture of me in all of my morning radiance as a tier reward. I don’t give a shit.”

“There are no tier rewards!”

“Maybe you could use Patreon and Ko-fi to do some spin-offs,” a rather nondescript woman said as she reached into a can of Pringles. “There are some very compelling characters who deserve more, she said as she picked a Pringle shard off of the slope of her bewbs and ate it.”

“And who are you?” Gloria demanded.

“Don’t worry about it,” the woman smiled.

“Are you who I think you are?” Jon asked, his eyes narrowing. “Axlea was a friend of mine!”

“Oh yeah,” the woman chuckled as she opened a packet of Twinkies. “She was fun.”

She looked over at Slightly.

“No wonder you are a lard-ass,” she said happily, “This stuff is good.”

Jon snarled.

“Hey,” Brenda shrugged, “You know what they say, assassins don’t kill people. Contracts do. Blame...”

There was a flush heard from Slightly’s bathroom.

The door opened, and Patricia Hu stepped out.

“Woof...” she said as she waved her hand in front of her face, “Slightly, I think that the pizza here…”

She looked around the apartment.

“Oh, hello,” she said pleasantly.

She looked at Jon and Skippy and raised an eyebrow.

“Hello, Jon,” she said frostily.

“Patricia,” he replied with an equally cold tone.

Patricia Hu turned to Slightly.

“I should go,” she said, “before this gets awkward.”

She offered him a thumb drive.

“Here are some notes concerning my upcoming redemption arc!” she smiled, “I’m really excited!”

“Yeah...” Slightly said nervously as every set of eyes in the place locked on to him in silent outrage, “...redemption arc… you’re definitely getting one of those…”

Patricia looked disdainfully at the group and disappeared.

“SLIGHTLYASSHOLIC, WHAT THE FUCK?!?” Jon yelled as he jumped out of his chair.

”Seriously?!?” Sheloran demanded.

Gloria said nothing. She just drew a dagger from… somewhere…

“H-hey...” Slightly said as he was backed against a wall, “L-let’s all just calm down…”

“A motherfucking redemption arc?” Skippy asked as a long, wickedly curved claw slid from her paw.

“What was I supposed to say?” Slightly stammered. “She just showed up out of nowhere, like you assholes do, and wanted to discuss her future with the project… and…”

“And?” Sheila said as she drew a small .22 revolver from her pocket.

“And we got to talking and...”

”SLIGHTLY!!! NO!!!” everyone shouted.

“I would say I couldn’t believe it,” Tartarus’s voice said from behind the oaken doors on the screen, “but this is our author we’re talking about here...”

“We just talked, ok!” Slightly shouted.

“You mean like she and Tak ‘just talked’?” Jon asked darkly.

“Oh God, it’s going to be that all over again,” Tartarus huffed. “Just when you think that bitch is going down… She does… on exactly the right person!”

“There is no redemption arc!” Slightly shouted. “My readers would fucking kill me! I’ve been promising her death for years now!!!”

“Is that going to be a tier reward?” Jon asked as he went for his wallet, “Because I have some cash in here. How much for her to just have a fucking stroke or something?”

“Look,” Slightly sighed, “mistakes were made with the structure and pacing of that whole mess. I was still learning… I just need to advance the story to where...”

“Maybe use some of that Patreon wealth to fucking take some writing classes?” Jon snarled. “Because you still kinda suck, dude.”

The room all nodded in agreement.

“Hey!”

“Slightly,” Sheloran said as she sipped her tea, “I really wasn’t going to say anything… and you are a really, really nice person… sort of…”

She glanced at the computer with just a hint of disgust.

“But you… maybe some classes might help?” she said with a little smile.

“Hey,” Slightly shouted, “I am a good writer… or at least I’ve gotten better… at least a little!”

“Gotten better at being a sellout,” Bunny snorted.

“Bite me, Bunny!” Slightly snapped.

“Oh, Bunny,” Tartarus snickered, “have you looked at his world-building notes, especially the ones regarding whether or not AIs are actually sapient?”

“What. The. Fuck?”

“It’s right here on this spreadsheet...”

“I’m not falling for it, Tartarus.”

“:P”

***

I am pleased to announce my new Patreon and Ko-fi sites!

They are still pretty damn rough and works in progress, but I actually do have someone doing some artwork and am going to make them really cool… hopefully.

I have some ideas on what I want to do with this project and “stuff,” but don’t want to link it directly to the Patreon / Ko-fi announcement because I am lazy and poorly organized. Who knows what will or will not happen? I can guarantee illustrations, though.

As repeatedly stressed in this chapter. I am going to keep all content available to all readers completely without charge and will continue to post the main stories here on Reddit. You guys are my readers, and I would not have this project without you. Besides, I love the comments here.

I intend to put what this project earns back into the project by hiring illustrators and other professionals to help add some additional cool stuff to this whole mess. (Probably mostly commissioning a lot of pictures)

Those will always be available for free wherever they will be posted (probably Patreon).

Look, times haven’t been all that great and haven’t been all that great for a while. So please don’t feel obligated to donate. If you want to and can, great! If you can’t or just don’t feel like it, don’t!

Even with the new “options”, the best “payment” I get is from people being active in the comments section. That has not and will not change!

What makes me happiest is writing my little weird stories and making people happy with them.

I know that sounds really… ugh… but I mean it, goddammit! :)

Visit and read more novel to help us update chapter quickly. Thank you so much!