Tales From the Terran Republic

Sheloran and Dwight sat on a log next to a stream.

"I can't believe that this isn't real," she sighed wistfully.

"What do you mean it isn't real?" Dwight laughed as he idly munched on a carrot stick from their picnic basket loaded with choice produce. "We worked hard on this, dammit!"

"Oh, sorry," Sheloran replied, a bit embarrassed, "I mean that it isn't natural."

"Just giving you a hard time," Dwight replied as he nervously touched her shoulder and quickly withdrew his hand. "I know what you meant."

She smiled at him nervously and then looked away.

"Trees…" she said. "I still can't get over it."

"Yeah, they are nice," he smiled, "the ultimate space flex… dirt and forests. You won't believe what good topsoil goes for around here. We constantly have to keep an eye out for poachers."

"Really? People steal… dirt?"

"You have a dirt farm?" Sheloran laughed.

"Well, an industrial composting and blending facility," Dwight answered, "but yeah… dirt farm. They make dirt. Vertical farms are more efficient, but we like dirt."

"I like dirt too," Sheloran smiled, "It's a Plath thing."

"It's a MAGA thing as well," Dwight replied. "There's just something about standing on the solid ground, you know, and growing things in it. It's a luxury, sure, but a nice one… and you do need it for trees. They need something to anchor in. Some gene-crafted ones can work with 'ponics but the premium stuff, ash, oak…walnut… Yeah… you need dirt."

"It's just so lovely…." Sheloran sighed, "Even nicer than Terra."

"Well, Terra has been blown to Hell and back several times over," Dwight shrugged, "This was a custom-built paradise from the beginning."

“… a custom-built paradise….” Sheloran said quietly… and darkly…

"Sorry?" Dwight asked anxiously. Things were going so well, and somehow, he messed up? How?

"Oh, just thinking about 'home'… my homeworld, I mean."

"Your homeworld?"

"Sorry…" she said sadly, "I really cannot say anything more. I really wish I could… another Plath thing, I'm afraid."

"I… I'm sorry…." Dwight said.

"What for?" Sheloran asked, a bit confused.

"I don't know a whole lot about you, but they say that you had to leave your homeworld in a hurry, that you were some sort of big fugitive from the Federation."

"They say a lot of poop," Sheloran huffed. "I'm no criminal… well… maybe I am now, but I wasn't back then! Poop just happens to me!"

She looked down.

"It's not fair. I just wanted…."

She sighed.

"It doesn't really matter what I want or don't want. I’m Sheloran the Befouler now. Crimelord… Pimp…”

"Pimp?" Dwight asked in surprise.

“Well… ‘procurer’… It's a union thing… If I am still in the union, that is… Apparently, my business isn't anymore. I haven't gotten the whole story on that, but I bet it's going to make me really angry, and I'm going to have to kick yet more poopers…."

She sighed.

"…so many poopers… Dwight?"

"Yeah?"

"I am going to have to do some really bad things when I get back, and I don't want to."

"So, don't."

"What?"

"Don't go back. Stay here."

"But I have to."

"Why?"

"Because…"

Sheloran trailed off into silence.

"Because my people need me," she said after a moment. "Because someone has to protect them."

Dwight sighed.

"The Plath?"

Sheloran laughed ruefully.

"Oh, the Plath can take care of themselves… and deserve to… No… My people are the Bavnee."

"The who, now?"

"It's a very ugly Plath word, a way of saying 'animal'. A long time ago, it was used to refer to 'inferior beings', people who they viewed as nothing other than animals… livestock…."

"Did they eat them?" Dwight asked with his eyes even bigger and bug-like than they usually were.

"They weren't that kind," Sheloran replied. "It was a long time ago, though. But those are my people, the Bavnee, the lost, the downtrodden, the 'little guys', my girls… victims of the Harkeen… victims of the Federation… AND the Republic…"

"Damn," Dwight said, "that's a LOT of people."

"Yes," Sheloran replied, "but they are mine, at least the ones around me are… my girls… my neighborhood… and anyone else I can reach…."

She scowled, and Dwight felt a definite chill as something moved behind her eyes.

“…Those who cry out into the dark… begging for gods who refuse to listen… I hear them… and I will answer," she said in a quiet, strange, and VERY alien voice.

Dwight's eyes widened as Sheloran suddenly became something else, something very frightening.

"Damn…" he said, inching away slightly, "you really are hardcore!"

"Wha?" Sheloran said, a bit confused, as she was suddenly herself again.

She blinked and then sighed heavily.

"I can't have just one nice moment without you showing up and pooping all over it…" she muttered.

"Did I do something wrong?" Dwight asked in surprise, "Because if I did, I'm really…."

"No!" Sheloran exclaimed as her hand turned into a blur as it took his, totally unnerving him with her speed. "I was talking to myself… or part of myself… It's weird…."

She looked at him with wide, amber-colored eyes.

"I'm the one that is sorry," she said, "We were having such a nice time, and I got all mopey and weird… again…."

She suddenly realized she was holding his hand and freaked out a little. Should she let it go, or…

"Oh, Prophet," she said ruefully, "I really am hopeless at this…."

"At what?" Dwight asked, still extremely confused.

"At… this…" she replied sadly, "At being normal. At just having a nice time with a nice person…."

"So…" Dwight asked, "you were having a nice time?"

"Oh yes!" Sheloran gushed, "This has all been so lovely. This place… um…”

She turned away.

"…you…" she said quietly.

"Me?"

"IS THIS A DATE?!?" Sheloran blurted, causing Dwight to jump.

"What?"

"Is this…" she asked, "Are we having a date, like a boy-girl date?"

"Uhh…" Dwight replied suavely.

Sheloran seemed to crumple a little.

Dwight realized that his smooth "Uhh" meant "Absolutely not!"

He had to salvage this! Why was he so bad at these things?

"D-do… Do you want it to be?!?" he smoothly replied with a very Plath-like squeak. "B-because it can be!... If you want… I…”

He blushed.

"I think you are very pretty," he said, wincing deep within his soul at how cringe that sounded.

"Y-you do?!?" Sheloran squeaked.

"Um… yeah," Dwight said, looking away. "You are so smart and pretty, and you know plants and…."

"Ithinkyouarehandsometoo," Sheloran squeak-mumbled.

Smooth, a voice deep within her snickered.

Oh, like you were any better at this! Sheloran vehemently thought back. Remember how you completely made a pooper out of yourself at…

Progenitors… I had almost managed to forget about that for a whole hour… Thanks… Um… Quick, say something cool or clever or something before we lose him! I am tired of being a pooping virgin!

But what am I going to say?!? Sheloran silently implored. I'm awful at this!!!

You've gotten further than I have! I dunno… Do something!!!

"What?" Dwight asked, completely stunned, saving Sheloran from her tailspin, "You think I'm handsome?!?"

“Um… yeah…” Sheloran said shyly.

"Why?" Dwight squeaked, "I'm ugly."

"No, you aren't!" Sheloran exclaimed. "You have such nice big eyes. Most humans just have those hard, mean little ones… at least the ones I deal with do… Yours are big and warm."

She managed to turn to look at him.

"And your head… It's nice and round and not all blocky… and you have a nice big mouth that is so expressive… and… and… your body is nicely shaped… almost like a Plath's… You are slender and flexible and not some lumbering monster-thing…."

She smiled nervously.

“I happen to think you are very handsome… and nice… and… um… Ireally wanthis tobea date….”

"I… I want this to be a date, too!" Dwight stammered.

"Reeely?!?" Sheloran squeaked

"Yeah," he said nervously. "I think you are great, and I love your eyes, too…, and you're blue!... which I didn't think was a thing, but it is!"

"So, we're having a date!" Sheloran exclaimed.

"I guess we are!" Dwight replied happily.

"So…" Sheloran said shyly, "What do people do on dates… besides what we've done so far."

"Um…" Dwight fidgeted, "Maybe they kiss?"

Sheloran giggled…

***

"Dates are nice," Sheloran said a while later as she and Dwight cuddled under a blanket that just happened to be hidden in the bottom of the large basket Dwight had brought.

"And they seem to involve a lot more than just kissing," Dwight smiled as he gently kissed her (again).

She giggled and snuggled in close.

"I finally understand what Craxina sees in all of this," Sheloran sighed.

She looked into his eyes.

"Um…" she said, "I hope you don't think I'm too forward or 'easy'… It's just that I really like you, and I don't know how long I am going to be here and…."

"Pshaw," Dwight scoffed, "Concerns like that are for kids and bible-thumpers. We're grown folk and can do as we please. Besides….”

He sighed.

"I know you aren't staying, and we don't have much time… but… but you could, you know."

"Yeah," Sheloran sighed as she caressed his face, one of her pads accidentally sticking for a second. "I know… Trust me. I know. Part of me wants to, a big part."

"Maybe you should listen to it, then," Dwight replied. "This is a nice place, Sheloran. We could always use another greenie."

"Just stay here…" Sheloran sighed. "It does sound nice… It really does…."

Sheloran's phone chimed.

"I hate to interrupt you," Bunny said, "especially now, but if you are coming with us, you gotta get here now."

"Now?!?" Sheloran squeaked, "Seriously?!?"

"There's been a… cultural issue… and it is time to go."

"Poooooop!!!" Sheloran moaned.

"What happened?" Dwight asked.

"Hi, Dwight!" Bunny exclaimed, "Yesterday, our good friends Harval and Gary decided to take a little lesbian hatchling under their wing, and you know what they say, 'No good deed goes unpunished.'"

"Oh God," Dwight grumbled, "I love these people, but sometimes I swear… What went down?"

"Oh, just the Gods of comedic timing chose today to be the day that she and her sapphic 'bad influence' get busted, and they decided the place to go was our shipbuilder… who, of course, brought them to us… So now we have two minge-munching young lovers hiding on our ship while the torch and pitchfork brigade is outside. You know, the usual."

"I'm probably over an hour away!" Sheloran exclaimed.

"An hour?!?" Sheila shouted, "Where did you two get off to?"

"The woods!" Sheloran exclaimed. "And it's a good fifteen minutes to our car."

"Fuck!... Ok… Bunny is sending you a darknet link," Sheila said. "It will let you get in touch with us if you want to. T, get us the fuck out of Dodge… Now!"

"Please catch up with us!" Gloria shouted happily, "I want more nukes, and Harval is creaming his shorts over those notes you left. You don't owe me… but you owe me…."

"Nukes?" Dwight asked in alarm.

"Long story," Bunny cut in, "Ok, have fun, Sheloran, and we'll see you later, maybe. We'll be at our next stop until they get the Reaper flying, so no rush."

"Did someone just shoot us?" Sheila laughed.

"Yep, one angry momma with a forty-five is knocking on the door."

"Give them a few seconds to run, and then fire up those thrusters!" Sheila laughed.

"Bye, Sheloran!" a chorus of laughing voices shouted.

"Bye?" Sheloran replied.

"Go have some more freaky frog sex and give us a call later!" Jessie laughed. "If I don't see you again, it's been fun! Bye!"

"Well, either you open the doors, or we find out what happens when we jump from inside your docking bay, your choice," Sheila yelled at someone. "If you check, you will find out that your control locks have been defeated, so we can just… Oh?... We are cleared for launch? Thank you! Let's go, T. Bye, Sheloran. I hope for their sakes they don't give you too much shit over this."

"They won't," Dwight said firmly.

"You had better hope for everyone's sake that's the case," Sheila laughed. "Sheloran is not something to fuck… Sorry, poor choice of words there, dude. She's not something to mess with."

"Bye, Sheila," Sheloran said, "Thanks for everything."

"Take care, hopps," Sheila replied as the thrusters could be heard in the background, "See you later… or not."

"I'll try to catch up for at least a little while," Sheloran replied.

"No rush. We'll be laid up for quite some time while Harval and the gang work on the Reaper. And if you don't manage to link up with us, you hotwired a shitload of det pacs yesterday. As far as I'm concerned, any debt you owe us or Gloria has been paid."

"Hey!" Gloria shouted. "Don't listen to her! Harval wants to talk to you about the drives!"

"Harval can fucking phone her!" Sheila laughed.

"He can!" Sheloran exclaimed, "Any time!"

"You can bring your new friend if you want!" Gloria yelled. "We have room!"

"Oh, shut up!" Sheila shouted back. "It's your call, Sheloran. I'd be happy to see you again, but we're good if you decide to part ways. Later."

The call ended.

"Don't worry about catching any trouble because of this," Dwight said, "We greenies stick together, and nobody is going to mess with you."

"Thanks," Sheloran replied.

"So…" Dwight said as he reached for his underwear, "Would you like to stay at my place? I just harvested some very nice eggplants."

“That… that would be nice….” Sheloran smiled.

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