Tales From the Terran Republic

"Do what you want to me!" Syd snarled at the two agents sitting across from her, "I'm not telling you shit!"

Agent Liang facepalmed and sighed heavily.

"Sydney…" she said wearily.

"My name is Syd!"

"Syd," Agent Liang continued even more wearily, "nobody is going to do anything to you. We just have a few questions about your… um… friend… Jeruzz."

"You mean my boyfriend, my lover?"

"Yes, that Jeruzz," Agent Liang sighed.

"Yes!" Syd exclaimed, "We're doing it! Is that against the law now?"

The Kalesha sitting next to Agent Liang's eyestalks started quivering with amusement.

"No, Syd," Agent Vashtona said, her eyestalks wiggling even harder, "there is no law against interspecies congress between sapient partners. We just want to…"

"I demand a lawyer!" Syd shouted, "I still have rights, don't I?"

"We aren't the police," Agent Liang said patiently as she could manage, "and you are not under a criminal investigation. We just want to ask you if Jeruzz has mentioned anything about…"

"No," Syd said firmly, "he hasn't."

"I haven't asked you what…"

"It doesn't matter," Syd replied, "He hasn't mentioned it."

"Oh, for the love of…" Agent Liang groaned as she looked up at the ceiling.

"Syd," Agent Vashtona said, her eyestalks shaking violently, "Neither you nor Jeruzz is under any suspicion of any criminal activity or espionage…"

"Then why am I here?" Syd demanded as she crossed her arms.

"Because we are desperately trying to close the books on this part of a very important investigation regarding matters of Republic Security and…"

"Republic Security?" Syd demanded, "What does this have to do with Jeruzz and me? Why can't you just leave us alone?"

"We're trying to, goddammit!" Agent Liang shouted. "All we need to do is have you answer a few simple questions so we can all go home! Please. I'm begging you. Just…”

"Well, I'm not doing it," Syd said. "I won't betray my Jeruzz!"

"Aaaarrrrghhhh!" Agent Liang shouted, jumping to her feet, storming out of the room, and slamming the door behind her while Agent Vashtona's eyestalks whipped back and forth so hard she couldn't see straight.

***

"Am I in throuble?" Jeruzz asked anxiously as he sat across from an elderly gentleman in Doreen's kitchen while she stood behind Jeruzz protectively.

"No, nothing of the sort," the old agent smiled, "We are just investigating the rather unusual incident you were involved in over at Janustec."

"Oh, thath," Jeruzz said, looking down. "It was reeely thary."

"I can imagine," the agent said, "A bunch of armed police smashing their way into the office and pointing guns at you couldn't have been fun."

"Misth Esthmerelda lied tho me," Jeruzz said sadly.

"Yes, she did," the agent said. "Is there anything else you remember about that day, something that she said, or maybe something that you saw? Anything, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, would be helpful."

"I'm thorry," Jeruzz said, "I donth remember anything elesth."

"Okay," the agent said. "If you do remember anything, please let us know. It's terribly important."

"Othay."

"One last question," the agent said, "Do you have any association with Janustec, Sheila Donovan, Sheloran the Plath, Gloria Samuels, Jon Wintersmith, the Cabal, the Xvli known as Skippy, or any of their associates?"

"Um… No?"

"Could you be more firm in your answer, please?"

"No?"

The agent sighed.

"Jeruzz," Doreen said gently, "Don't sound so unsure. It messes with the scanner. If you didn't have any dealing with these people, just say so."

"Buth I didnth!" Jeruzz exclaimed. "How do I thay thath righth?"

"You just did," the agent smiled as he switched off the scanner. "Sorry to trouble you, Doreen."

"Don't worry about it, Jass," Doreen replied. "I'm just glad to get this nonsense over with."

***

"Please, just answer the fucking question!" Agent Liang begged.

"No!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake!"

***

Far away from Agent Liang's anguish, Charlotte was pouring a cup of hot chocolate.

"With extra whip, please!" a Pol-ka exclaimed happily.

"Certainly!" Charlotte said as she topped the mug with a generous sploot.

"Mmm!" the Pol-ka said as he sipped a mug full of one of his only vices, leaving whipped cream all over the felt-like fuzz on his face. "It's perfect!"

"I'm glad to hear that!" Charlotte exclaimed happily, "How is it perfect?"

"I don't know," the Pol-ka replied, "It just is."

Charlotte sighed with exasperation. Once again, these strange creatures perplexed her. How could someone declare something "perfect" yet be unable to quantify a single defining attribute of that perfection?

These creatures made absolutely no sense sometimes.

"Is it the concentration of cocoa in general?" she asked.

"I don't know," the Pol-ka replied, "Maybe?"

Charlotte's anterior twitched with agitation, but she made no further inquiries. It would be a waste of time.

"I did it!" a scantily clad xeno with iridescent winglets and large eyes exclaimed as she excitedly half flew up. "I did it!"

She presented a primitive slate chalkboard to Charlotte proudly.

"So, you did!" Charlotte exclaimed. "Well done! Now…”

"I know," the xeno giggled, "Do it again. And I will!... Right after a coffee and my next client!"

"Well, I can help with the coffee," Charlotte replied. "Craxina will not allow me to assist with your client."

The xeno giggled.

"Speaking of Craxina," Charlotte said as she poured a mug of coffee highly diluted with cool water to suit the tastes of her student, "How is she?"

The xeno made an unhappy noise.

"About the same," she said, "She's ill-tempered and bossy, and she keeps running around naked and trying to steal everyone's clients or just propositioning people at random."

The xeno sipped her coffee.

"The Careel say that she's trying to replace pain with pleasure and that it never works."

"Ah," Charlotte nodded, "That I can understand. We do much the same sometimes, trying to lose ourselves in coupling after coupling."

"The Careel finally just picked her up and carried her off," the xeno said. "They are pretty much just holding her down in a big pile. Her brother says that she'll be okay, but that asshole really hurt her by just running off like that."

"Perhaps it was for the best that he did," Charlotte said.

"Their maven said the same thing," the xeno replied. "Why are you both..."

"Excuse me, Charlotte?" a human wearing a suit said as a small group approached.

"Yes?" Charlotte asked suspiciously as her student quickly and wisely scurried away.

"My name is Shawn Yeoman, and I am with the Department of Immigration and Naturalization."

"A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Yeoman," Charlotte replied politely, "May I get you a coffee, or do you wish to engage a prostitute?"

"I was hoping to speak with you if I could."

"I'm flattered, truly, but I am not allowed to engage in sexual activity with humans. Our manager says that it isn't safe."

An Asian woman behind him snerked.

"Heh heh," the man said uncomfortably, "Actually, I was hoping to speak with you concerning other matters. We…”

"Well, it will have to wait until after my shift," Charlotte said icily, "and please step away from the counter. I have limited space and many customers."

"Very well," the man said, a bit nonplussed, "When does your shift end?"

"I work twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week," Charlotte said as she smiled a real smile causing the man to involuntarily step back. "When I am not manning the counter, I am attending to my swarm. When I am too fatigued to do either, I take a nap and am not available for conversation."

"Surely, you must have some free time where we can talk."

"I believe I may take a day off in a few weeks," Charlotte replied. "You are welcome to wait if you wish. Just do it where you aren't taking up counter or table space or otherwise obstructing our business."

“Ms… Cvk$~…”

"What did you just call me?" Charlotte snapped. "I am truly offended. I suggest you depart before I am forced to challenge you to unarmed ritual combat as is the way of my people."

"I'm sorry if I…"

"Begone!" Charlotte roared. "And take a hint!"

"Charlotte, please," the Asian woman said as she approached, "We had no idea that your noble race had sent an envoy. Please…”

"That's because we didn't send an envoy," Charlotte replied, "I am a scout, an explorer, not an envoy. I taste and smell in search of opportunities and lay trails for the swarm to follow. I am not here to engage in false pleasantries or swap insincere promises. You did not know I had arrived because I did not want you to know I had arrived. I came here openly, without stealth, guile, or malicious intent, but unannounced so that I may smell and taste freely and, more importantly, accurately."

Charlotte issued a rather intimidating buzz.

"Now, please depart. When I undertook your tepid little test, I registered my presence here appropriately. I believe that I am not in violation of any of your laws, and no further interaction is required or desired. Leave."

An elderly man dressed in slacks and a short-sleeved shirt moved to the front of the group.

"Why don't you all wait for me in the car?" he said pleasantly but with far less friendly eyes.

"Sir," the woman said as everyone except for him turned and left.

"Kids," he said dismissively. "Please forgive them, especially the one who tried to pronounce your name."

Charlotte clicked disdainfully and ignored him, turning instead to a new customer.

The old man quietly sat on a stool and waited.

A few minutes later, Charlotte turned to him.

"You are occupying the seat reserved for a customer," she said harshly.

"Because I am one," the man replied, "One espresso, please."

Charlotte turned her back to him and silently started preparing his order.

"You do not like us," the man said, "Why?"

"You do not deserve the answer," Charlotte replied. "I will only say that you will not receive an envoy. I have tasted this Republic of yours and found it foul. I have urinated upon my trail."

"I see," the man replied as an espresso was roughly placed in front of him.

He sipped it and winced.

"Did you urinate in this as well?"

"I'm so sorry," she replied, "They didn't teach coffee making where I am from."

"Dude," the Pol-ka sitting next to him, still smeared with whipped cream, said, "I'm not an expert in Nopeology, but if she just served you a bad cup, you need to leave… now."

Charlotte smiled, but the old human didn't flinch. He just downed his espresso.

"May I have another, please?" he said.

"Of course," Charlotte click-purred and once again turned her back to him as she carefully started preparing another cup.

"Dude!" the Pol-ka whispered, "What did you do?"

"That is what I'm trying to find out," the man replied.

"Here you go," Charlotte said pleasantly as she set another cup of espresso in front of the man.

He looked at the cup dubiously and tried not to react to the foul-smelling steam wafting up from its oily surface.

"Man, that reeks!" the Pol-ka exclaimed as everyone at the bar turned to watch.

The old man calmly raised the cup to his lips and downed it in a single gulp without a reaction.

He smiled.

"Would you like another, or are you leaving?" Charlotte asked.

"I think I would like another, please," the man replied.

"Dude!" the Pol-ka exclaimed.

"Certainly," Charlotte smiled.

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what we have done to offend you," the old man said calmly.

"After a few more of these," Charlotte purred, her back still to him, "you will leave regardless."

Charlotte was right.

***

Later that afternoon, a Kalesh waddled up.

"Hello!" Charlotte said brightly. "I have some lovely Kab tea! Would you like a cup?"

"I would!" he replied happily. "And are those donuts fresh?"

"They are made just down the street!" Charlotte replied happily.

"Then I will have two of those as well."

Charlotte happily prepared the tea and watched the Kalesh excitedly.

"So, how is it?" she asked.

"The temperature is perfect, and the tea was steeped for exactly the time recommended. However, this tea is of a higher quality, and on the first steeping, it is best to let it steep for a bit less time to bring out the more subtle notes that will be lost on subsequent steepings."

"I will make a note of that!" Charlotte said happily.

"He's still shitting himself, you know," the Kalesh snickered.

"Ah," Charlotte said, her good mood evaporating. "You are one of them."

"Aaron Hoevashono, Department of Education," he replied. "I know we are unwelcome, but I had to try once more. I would like to discuss your test, particularly your method for solving…"

"You are unwelcome," Charlotte said, cutting him off. "If I tell you why, will you all just leave me in peace?"

"It will certainly reduce the intrusions."

"Those who wander in darkness," she said, "are drawn to the light. They face peril and hardship, but the promise of that light drives them to risk everything just to reach it and the fellowship that it offers. When they stumble out of darkness, they are welcomed. Their ignorance isn't a source of scorn. It is a cause for celebration, for the darkness of that ignorance will be driven away by the light we hold aloft as a beacon for any who seek it. That is the way of my people… Terran."

She leaned in menacingly.

"You Terrans, you lie. You hold your beacon aloft, and many are drawn to it, to the false promise it holds. But after those who wander in darkness risk everything, sacrifice everything to come here, they are scorned, ridiculed, and laughed at. They are confronted with a trial that few can prevail against. When they, much more fit than you who have been sinfully coddled and shielded, stumble, they are mocked and cast aside without guidance or direction. They are just turned away with your harsh laughter in their ears."

"That is hardly fair," the Kalesh replied. "There are certain expectations that…"

"It would be fair," Charlotte hissed, "if the trial was. I have questioned many Terrans who come here, and few could pass that test. That is why I detest you. You lie. You lie about your beacon, and you lie about your trial. How can my people trust anything you say when you are so filled with falsehood? Begone, liar, and take that cup with you. I will not have anything befouled by you polluting my swarm. Go and never return."

"Now see here…"

"Go!!!" Charlotte bellowed at full volume, splaying her mandibles angrily.

"Hey!" a high-pitched voice chittered indignantly.

Charlotte turned and saw a rough-looking multi-legged insectoid looking up at her from the opening of a nearby dumpster.

"I won't have you speaking so badly about the Terrans!" it exclaimed. "They are the noblest, kindest, and most generous of beings in the entire galaxy! Their beacon isn't a lie! It is bright and true! What's more, they give so many opportunities and offer so much guidance that I pray to the False God every day, giving thanks for the wonderful Terrans and this paradise made manifest that they have created!"

Charlotte and the Kalesh both looked at the insectoid as if it had lost its mind.

"Wat."

"Hi," the insectoid said brightly, "My name is Belasho, but you can call me Bella!"

***

Author's note:

Concerning Charlotte's accusation about the certification exam being unfair...

After a few years out of high school, how much have you retained?

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