Tales From the Terran Republic

“You seem to be doing better,” GuruG said happily. “You haven’t tried to greet us in a little while.”

“Humans are nothing if not adaptable,” Alan replied, “Don’t get me wrong, you are revolting…”

GuruG burst into laughter, causing Grace to cover her nose and mouth in a vain attempt to keep the nasty out.

“And that (cough) is still a bit much,” Alan said. “But our noses put in their notices a little while ago, it seems.”

“You guys are fantastic,” GuruG enthused to the fragrant agreement of the ever-present curious onlookers. “Seriously, nobody has ever lasted this long.”

“Never underestimate a human’s greed… or their curiosity,” Alan replied. “This station is nothing less than amazing.”

“If you really want to see amazing,” GuruG said, “and if you truly want to test your adaptability, would you like to see how we handle life support?”

“I’m really gonna regret this,” Grace said, “But I gotta. Chemistry is like, one of my big things, and I can’t pass this up.”

“And it just may settle the little competition you two have about which one of you can last the longest without a respirator!”

“Just making an assumption based on our nature,” GuruG replied, “Such rivalry between friends is in our nature. Since you are so likable, I thought it may be the same with you,” he?... she?... it? said as “it” started walking down a moist and somewhat spongy corridor, beckoning them to follow. “You are friends, yes?”

“Very much so,” Alan replied, weakly smiling at Grace.

“Forgive my forwardness,” GuruG said, “But I also must know something. Are you two… engaging in what is called sexual activity with each other.”

“Every chance we get!” Grace exclaimed.

“We are a couple,” Alan added, “our race nominally takes a single mate for life…”

“Or at least one at a time!”

“Thank you*, darling*,” Alan sighed, “As my dearly loved companion said, it can be a bit more complicated than that. Infidelity, divorce, and multiple partners are all quite possible… but not for us.”

GuruG was silent for a moment.

“I’m afraid I have no idea what you are talking about. Infidelity? Divorce? What are they?”

“You mate for life?”

“Otherfriend, we don’t mate at all.”

“Well, that’s no fun,” Grace said.

“From what I understand, it is unfortunate,” GuruG said as his ironically phallic projections even more ironically drooped. “While we don’t get the opportunity to converse face to face like this, the same share curiosity as a universal sametrait. We’ve tapped into the collective oneness of the interstellar data skeins and have uncovered depictions of otherbeing’s sexual activities. They really seem to enjoy it.”

“If you don’t bone, then how do you make more… um… sames?”

“Do you just infect your hosts with spores or something similar?”

“We sames don’t even do that,” GuruG replied. “At least not at this point in our lives. As our host becomes consumed by our sameness, it will eventually become unable to function and will die.”

“I take it that you don’t?”

“Oh, no,” GuruG said, “In fact, some of us don’t even believe that a same’s life truly starts until then. As the host dies, we undergo a transformation, consuming and then ultimately completely absorbing the decaying flesh of our host. We then become an ancestor.”

“So, your ancestors are real living beings?”

“It depends on what you call alive,” GuruG chuckled, “We cease to become animal-like and become sessile, not dissimilar to a plant or certain benthic lifeforms. It is only then that we start to produce spores that are used to inoculate more hosts.”

“Are these ‘ancestors’, still sapient?”

“Again,” GuruG replied, “it depends solely on your definition of the term. With the loss of the host, they also lose all of the senses that allow us to perceive reality the way that we do. However, they gain entirely new ones. They do have awareness, but they think very differently than we do and do so at vastly different rates than we do. They also develop, maintain, evaluate, and distribute, vast stores of knowledge that are passed between them by the skeins they spin and weave within them, which are then passed from ancestor to ancestor… and to us, of course, so we can continue (heh) ‘god’s will’… though we have strayed from the ordained path just a little bit. Forgive us for not wanting to go extinct,” he laughed and then quickly apologized for outgassing.

“Extinct?”

“We were commanded to transform this world, claiming it for the gods,” GuruG, “Or that’s what the ‘scriptures’ say, at least. However, had we completed that task, we would have made our home completely uninhabitable, for both the life already on our world and ourselves… I suspect our ‘gods’ were… I’m sorry… I don’t know how to translate the ‘word,’ and I fear that if I speak it, it would likely make you ‘greet us’ to death. It is a very profane utterance that denotes an even more profane and unpleasant nature.”

“I can think of a few words,” Grace gagsmirked.

“Oh? Could you share them?”

“Gladly!”

***

“…That was quite the list! Thank you!” GuruG enthused, “And thank you for explaining each term in such detail! Some of them were quite humorous!”

“My beautiful mate is quite the expert on profanity,” Alan chuckled, “and is always happy to share her mastery with anyone within earshot.”

“We are fond of foul language as well! I would love to share, but most of them are quite simply untranslatable, and most do not even have a written equivalent. They are just sprayed on the wall or on a blotter to present to its intended recipient… or you just blow it in their face. Just as with yourselves, many of our words are based on anatomical features and biological processes, which are completely alien to others.”

“I can imagine,” Grace said, “I can only imagine what you ‘assholes’ could come up with.”

“I suspect even you would be surprised,” GuruG laughed and paused next to what appeared to be a wall.

“We’re here,” he said, “prepare yourselves.”

He pressed the wall, and a pore opened in the center of the membrane, which opened to reveal a vast chamber encrusted with what appeared to be giant spongy towers sprouting from the floor and protruding from the ceiling.

Both Alan and Grace staggered, clutching at their faces as what can only be described as essence of stink washed over them.

A stench even more horrible than the room heralded the approach of a shambling mass, only slightly resembling the other ape-like creatures.

It was as if something died… several years ago… and was still rotting…

“Otherfriends,” GuruG said, “Allow me to introduce… um… Let’s just call him Elder, alright?”

“It’s a pleasure to (hurk) meet…. Meet...” Alan stammered.

GuruG emitted some gurgling flatulence, and “Elder” retreated a bit.

“I told him that he was a bit much for you,” GuruG explained, “He’s delighted to meet you, though.”

“Likewise,” Alan said, “I take it he is older than the rest of you?”

“The only same older than him is the same in command of this station,” GuruG replied, “and he will likely become a full ancestor within a year or two. He is going to remain here, on the station!” GuruG exclaimed, “We will have our own ancestor! That’s almost unheard of!”

“How will he commune with the others?” Alan asked as Grace, dispensing with any semblance of formality, stripped off her tunic and tried to stuff her tunic into her head, which was, of course, impossible.

It didn’t stop her from trying, though.

“The same way they normally do,” GuruG said, “They will create and consume skeins. They can’t move, so we will carry the bundles for them. We go to the surface and back all the time. Skeins are very small. We’ll just haul them up and feed them to the ancestors the same as we do on the surface.”

A wave of complex stink wafted over the group.

“And Elder will do the same! Think of it! Two ancestors! We will be truly blessed!”

More smells.

“Elder will remain here, with the life gardens. He cannot bear the thought of abandoning the lovelies that had has so carefully nurtured all of these years.”

Suddenly one of the sponge trees swelled and then emitted a blast of gas that blew their hair (or fleshy protuberances depending on species) back.

“Is that… Is that fresh air ?!?” Grace exclaimed as she rushed over to one of the growths, pressing her face into it, partially exposing her face as if she was a very cautious turtle.

“Of course,” GuruG chuckled, “Did you think we made the air so wonderfully delicious on purpose? No. That comes from all the same and all the ‘technology’ in here. These are the air purifiers and gas scrubbers. Even we would perish without clean air… well… air that we consider clean. Without these, we would all die within days, AND the air would be so laden with ‘noise’ that communication would be impossible over the cacophony. The rather intense aroma of the place is because all stale air in the vessel is directed here and to six other processing stations identical to this one.”

GuruG wiggled his fleshy bits.

“It may not smell that much different to you…”

“Oh, it does, trust me,” Grace said as she nudged the projection she was almost crawling into.

“Well, for us, the ‘noise’ in one of these rooms is overwhelming. Imagine if every word spoken on your ship was collected and put into a single chamber where they repeated over, over, and over again. It is fortunate that I understand your vibrations and can communicate in kind. Otherwise, communication would be nearly impossible.”

“How does the Elder function?” Alan asked, “And you clearly communicated with him.”

“He’s used to it,” GuruG replied, “He is much older than I and has lived in these chambers for most of his life. He has learned how to… listen? As to how I understood Elder, he is very good at ‘yelling’.”

Another intense wave of nearly crippling scent washed over them.

“Elder has such a wonderful ‘voice’, too,” GuruG said, “It is truly a pity that you cannot understand him. Elder could be a professional singer and a very good one. Elder could be very wealthy on the surface, but he loves the purifiers too much to leave them. Elder will sometimes leave them just long enough to treat us to a song or a poem… Some of our poems can be quite long and convey entire stories or historical accounts. They are so wonderful, far better than anything your bland screens and speakers can produce. You can actually taste the words, the music. Oh, how I wish you could comprehend them.”

“We have some of those, too!” Grace exclaimed, “They are extremely old. Some may even be older than writing. We don’t have those handy skeins built in. So, the only way to preserve knowledge before writing was verbally, which only lasts for a moment. The rhyme was a way to remember.”

“Many of our poems are readings from skeins or interpretations of them,” GuruG replied, “Once again, we have similarities, far more than I expected.”

A massive wave of scent staggered Alan and made Grace dry heave into her tunic, which wasn’t doing a damned thing. Nothing stopped the stink.

“Elder would truly love to hear some of your poems. I know it’s an imposition, but could you perhaps share some of them with us? We understand if you are unable.”

“(hurk),” Grace hurked, “I think I (urp) can share a short one.”

She managed to grin at Alan.

“This is an ancient song, once sung (gag)…”

Elder prodded one of the spongy masses, and all of them “inhaled” and “exhaled,” flooding the room with wonderfully clean and odor-free air, causing GuruG to nearly stumble. It was nearly more than he could handle, almost as if he was rendered both blind, deaf, and mute all at once.

“Thank you!” Grace exclaimed. “As I was saying, this is an ancient song, once sung on ancient pirate vessels when we still traveled the oceans in wooden boats propelled by the wind.”

Alan just glared at her as she started to sing her favorite genuine ancient and completely traditional pirate song that was NOT created for a movie, no matter what the rather stuck-up love of her life insisted.

“That was amazing!” GuruG exclaimed as a wave of odor shattered their moment of olfactory peace. “Elder loved it as well! Do you think when you return to your vessel you could share more of these?”

“We’ll do better than that!” Grace exclaimed, “We’ll give you a copy of our entire library as well as rip some stuff off the hypernet! We will hook you stinky bastards up!”

“Wonderful!” GuruG exclaimed as yet another wave of smell wafted past, “Both Elder and, well… all of us would love that! How much will this cost?”

“Exactly what we paid for it,” Grace grinned, “not a goddamned thing!”

“Your otherkin distribute such things for free?”

“Sure… If you steal it… Which we did… And we’ll grab some more for you!”

GuruG and Elder both burst into laughter, but Alan and Grace were starting to adapt a little.

“We disapprove of theft,” GuruG said between his flatulent guffaws, “But unshared knowledge is even more offensive. Liberating such hoarded treasures is perfectly acceptable to us, noble even.”

“So… You would be willing to discuss exchanging technology?”

“Absolutely!” GuruG exclaimed, “Though, I doubt much of what we have would be of use to others. Only we can do it.”

“These air purifiers alone would be wonderful!”

“If you can keep them alive,” GuruG replied, “which, to be honest, is highly unlikely. It is difficult even for us. That is one of the reasons Elder is so devoted to them.”

A long, very fragrant, and complex stink wafted past.

“I don’t think they need a lecture on the care of these creations,” GuruG replied, “But Elder is right. They would likely starve to death. They derive sustenance from the air that passes through them. I doubt your air is ‘rich’ enough to sustain them.”

“Pity,” Alan replied. “But surely not everything you use is entirely grown,” Alan coughed. The air was rapidly becoming foul again. Just as nature abhors a vacuum, that station disliked freshness.

“You are correct!” GuruG replied, “We have developed what we call ‘rock tech’. You would just call it technology. Some processes, especially those dealing with high temperatures, are best handled by metal. Our fusion reactors are entirely constructed as are our hyperspace transmitters, engines, as well as our computers. We can, of course, create very durable structures with refractory qualities by growing them, but sometimes it’s easier to just make something the way you others do. If nothing else, it is much faster.”

“Did any of that tech come from your skeins,” Alan asked, “or was it all acquired post-contact?”

GuruG just wiggled his projections.

“You are a clever one, aren’t you? We had plenty of rock tech before that. While we share information freely among the same, we do keep the ‘good stuff’ away from others… or we normally do,” GuruG said with a promising wiggle of his bits.

Another stink bomb went off.

“Elder would be fascinated with your thoughts about life support. We do prowl the collective consciousness of the stars, but without guidance, we find a lot of it as alien as you find our technology.”

Yet another chemical weapon detonated.

“Elder, you may very well kill them,” GuruG laughed, “I will be happy to perform my function as an otherspeaker, and you can converse with them once they return to their natural habitat.”

Elder wiggled his numerous projections happily.

“Elder also handles our waste. He wonders exactly how you achieve the same without our growtech.”

“It just so happens that we are working on (ugh) up… upgrading that very system!” Grace enthused. “It’s sort of a ‘thing’ for us humans. We have parts, schematics, and everything else already prepped… as soon as we can get our captain to come across with the cash.”

“Oh, you can’t grow it, can you? You must purchase or make everything and, even then, you must buy or otherwise obtain the materials.”

“Yes,” Alan replied, “Which is what brought us here. Your prices are very attractive. We will be able to make some much-needed profit that we (hurk) can… that we can put right back into our vessel. It needs a little work.”

“And I’m detaining you with our silly questions!” GuruG exclaimed, “I must apologize. It’s just such a novelty to actually have others visit us truly face to face! It means a lot to the same.”

“No… no apology necessary,” Alan replied smoothly, well… as smoothly as he could, “We are also very curious about you and your tech. This station is nothing less than a marvel.”

He smiled.

“Besides, this has given us an opportunity to acclimate ourselves to your… unique nature before we meet with your merchants.”

“Do you grow food up here, too?” Grace asked, “And what about water?”

“I am happy your curiosity is also not satiated,” GuruG said, “The answer is yes to both. However, if you have been experiencing difficulties as it is, our ‘gardens’ are quite simply out of the question without respirators. You couldn’t handle it, even with your human bravado. Our waste treatment plants are even worse. Many of us can’t go in there unprotected. It would likely kill you. Most of our water is extracted from that system, so it is also difficult… without respirators, perhaps fully enclosed breathing aids. You do have those, correct?”

“We do.”

“You’ve more than proven yourselves. Bring some of those next time, and we’ll give you the full tour,” GuruG said. “And we’ve received word from the surface. If you have the stomach for it, they would love to receive you as well.”

GuruG wiggled a protrusion enticingly.

“And there is a lot more fresh air there as well,” he said. “If you can stand this crowded and joyous space, you will find the surface much more tolerable. At the very least, you would be able to retreat outside, and you would be able to meet with the real trade representatives, not their agents who receive their pay as a portion of what they sell. It may be strange to you, but it is our way.”

“Comphthon,” Grace muffled through her face tunic.

“She is trying to say commission,” Alan smirked, “And I think we all know who won.”

Grace yanked the tunic from her head.

“You know nothing!” she growled as she popped Alan with her shirt like it was a gym towel. “Don’t lie to our wonderful new friend and tell him that moving my shirt to my face was anything other than a sign of respect to Elder over there!”

Both GuruG and Elder burst into so much laughter that Alan considered a similar sign of respect.

“By the crusty old ancestors,” GuruG said through an unending stream of farts, “you guys… Are you sure you aren’t hosts?”

“I had a tapeworm once,” Grace said. “It’s sort of like you but smells a lot better.”

“Grace!” Alan exclaimed. The Freekegg seemed to enjoy their humor, but that might be overdoing it.

“What’s a ‘tapeworm’? Are they friendly?”

“Oh, very friendly,” Grace smirked, “They just love us.”

“Are they sapient?”

“No, but they make lovely pets. So easy to feed.”

“Grace. Stop it,” Alan heaved firmly. “My mate likes to jest. Tapeworms are a parasite that inhabits our digestive tracts. They are not kept as pets!”

“They eat our shit!” Grace grinned causing yet another plume of Freekegg laughter so thick you could literally taste it.

“They absorb nutrients from our digestive system,” Alan said as his eyes watered.

“Like I said,” Grace coughed, “They eat our shit!”

“If you would have just attended those classes your parents…”

“You leave those cocksuckers out of this... Cocksucker!”

This caused an exchange of thought gasses between GuruG and Elder, presumably discussing the nature of the word, ‘cocksucker’.

Elder’s reaction nearly made Alan and Grace pass out.

“Spore licker!” he exclaimed, unable to contain his laughter, “We have the exact same concept!”

“I knew I liked you spore lickers!”

“Bad Grace! Bad!” Alan exclaimed with true alarm as yet another powerful chemical weapon hit them.

He looked apologetically at the two Freekegg.

“I sincerely apologize if my mate offended,” he said, “We have no knowledge of your culture, mores… (urp)… or the severity of that insult…”

He looked at the Freekegg with real concern as their guide remained silent, only blasting out stink so strongly that fluid started bubbling from some of his projections.

“Grace, I swear by the void,” he hissed, “If you have fucked this up for us…”

“No… No…” GuruG gurgled, finally able to speak, “We were merely very amused. Such… banter… is how we interact with those with whom we are friends. If you take no issue with being called a cocksucker, then we have no issue with being dubbed spore lickers. We cannot abide weak wills and easily offended natures, traits that entirely too many of the others possess. When you call us ‘disgusting’ or ‘spore lickers’ it is an entirely different situation than if one of those slimes does it.”

There was another intense plume from Elder.

“Well put,” GuruG said to him, “As he just said, we would cut one of those cocksuckers.”

“Cut?” Grace asked, her eyes sparkling.

GuruG reached into a pocket and pulled out an item that any human would recognize, a large folding knife.

He stroked it and the blade snapped open in an instant, revealing a translucent, veined pink blade.

“A switchblade!” Grace enthused. “I have the exact same thing! I left mine on the ship, though.”

“Bring it next time!” GuruG exclaimed. “What do you make the blade out of? I’m pretty sure it isn’t razor leaf.”

“Depends,” Grace replied, the joy of weaponry overwhelming her abused nose, “We traditionally used metal, normally a ferrous alloy of some sort. We still do, but only for the cheap shit… or if we are planning on destroying it after use… um… for reasons…”

This triggered another fragrant chuckle.

“We now use ceramics or other materials, I like flexipane, a flexible tough engineered glass. That shit takes a razor-sharp edge, stays sharp, and is very tough. It also bends, not breaks.”

“Ah,” GuruG said as he stroked his knife, “Rock tech razor leaf!”

“If we are getting really fancy,” she said, “we will use monowire but that is actually too sharp. If you aren’t trained in how to use one, you will probably lose something you would rather keep.”

“You can fix your monomolecular wire to knife?!?” GuruG bubbled. “How?!?”

Grace, excited by her favorite subject in the whole galaxy, excitedly inhaled… and regretted it.

As she doubled over, gagging, Alan smiled.

“That might be a subject for once we are back on our ship,” Alan said, “or on the surface. Once Grace gets on that subject, you may want to prepare sustenance and get comfortable. It will be a while before she shuts up.”

“Fuc… Fuck… Fuck you…” Grace affectionately gagged.

Elder released a mystified stink, and GuruG farted in kind.

After a brief discussion, GuruG turned to the pair.

“We’re confused. Fuck is a crude term for your sex act, something you like. Yet, based on context, that was an insult. Unless you humans are truly superior to other others, you couldn’t be interested in fornication at this point in time.”

“Don’t underestimate us,” Grace said, recovering a bit. “In fact, what do you say, Alan? Want to give these guys a demonstration?”

“Would you? It would be most interesting!” GuruG enthused.

Elder seemed to agree.

“Grace, I may very well kill you for this,” Alan hissed.

“And here I thought you were a diplomat,” Grace laughed as the Freekegg did the same, “I can’t believe that you of all people are refusing the (hurk) opportunity for a cultural exchange with such a promising and delightful people!”

“Could we record it for later study?”

“I always did want a sex tape!” Grace grinned, “Sure! Just give us a copy!”

“By the hungering Void that surrounds us, why did I fall for a goddamned Dragon?”

“Well, I was offering to show them exactly why!”

GrurG and Elder turned to each other, furiously stinking at each other.

“Did… Did you just swear upon the Void?” GrurG said oddly still outgassing. “I know some of you others will use it as profanity, but that sounded a lot like blasphemy-grade, the good stuff, the oaths you make using the very gods themselves!”

“Did I offend?” Alan asked, “If so…”

“No! Far from it! We are just surprised, that’s all. Unlike the others we have encountered before, we worship the Void! Maybe ‘worship’ isn’t the right word, but we pay it respects as if it were an Ancient One, one of the true gods, not the species that may or may not have sent us here. We reserve its use for when we really want to spray the walls.”

“An Ancient One?” Alan asked as Grace’s expression turned very serious.

“Did I offend?” GuruG asked as Elder swatted him angrily, issuing a bubbling hiss.

“No,” Alan smiled, “far from it… This is something that I would love to discuss further… NOT on our ship.”

“We can discuss it on the shuttle?” GuruG said hopefully.

“Sounds good,” Alan smiled wickedly.

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