Tales From the Terran Republic

“Oh my little wiggly jellybean!” a distressed looking Baleel exclaimed. “I’ve been so worried! I’ve tried and tried to get through but...”

“Calm down, mom,” Karashel said into the microphone of her incredible new desktop (courtesy of the Xx), “I’m fine.”

“The whole capital is on fire!” her mom cried. “The news isn’t saying much but on those sites you told me about... Fighting in the streets? Orbital strikes? Did we… did we actually...”

“Yeah, we did,” Karashel said grimly. “I’m not supposed to talk about it yet but there are over fifty thousand humans dead in the city alone… Nothing justifies what they did in response but still...”

The pupils of her mother’s eyes fully dilated.

“What did they do?” she asked in horror.

“I don’t have all the details, but the humans have some sort of new ‘terror weapon’, something horrible that they used on the Vulxeen homeworld. It’s killed… oh mom you don’t even want to know how many are dead or how they died. It’s awful.”

“They could use it on the capital!” her mom squealed. “Come home! Come home right now!”

“I can’t,” Karashel replied.

“You don’t understand,” Karashel replied, “I can’t. There’s a blockade right now. Nothing is going in or out of the capital. They don’t want the humans sneaking in one of those… things and they don’t want any of the human warriors still here escaping. But don’t worry, I’m perfectly safe!”

“Human warriors? Terror weapons?” her mother cried. “How can you possibly be safe?”

“I’m staying at a friend’s embassy,” Karashel said proudly. “This place can take a hit from one of their fusion bombs!”

“THEY HAVE FUSION BOMBS?!?!?”

Karashel winced. She shouldn’t have said that.

“Don’t worry! I’m safe in here!”

“Oh, Jellybean! You can’t possibly be safe!”

“Don’t tell anyone,” Karashel said as she leaned in close to the mic and started to whisper, “The embassy that I’m in, it belongs to-”

“THOSE... SIBLINGFUCKERS!!!” an enraged screech echoed down the hall. “IF THEY THINK THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS...”

“Mom, I gotta go,” Karashel said looking at the door. “Something is up.”

“Jellybean!” her mom cried. “Wai-”

Karashel switched off the transmission and quickly scooted out into the hall as the breaking of glass could be heard from Caw’s office.

She cautiously poked her head into the room as Caw pulled out a rather wicked looking carbine from a smashed bookcase and was slamming a black oblong object onto it. ȒἁŊȏβΕŝ

“Caw?”

“What?” he asked in annoyance as an amber light glowed briefly on the side of the weapon.

“What’s going on?” she asked nervously. Caw was many things, excitable, intolerant, pedantic, but one thing he wasn’t was violent, at least she thought he wasn’t.

“Robbery! Plunder! Violation!” he yelled as he started to storm out of his office. “And if they think I’m going to just sit here and let them do it they have another thing coming!” he yelled as he shoved his way past her.

“Wait!” Karashel asked desperately undulating after him. “Where are you going?”

“The Locus!” he shouted.

“But there are humans in there!”

“I don’t give a FUCK!” he screamed steadily leaving her behind.

“Can I come with you?” she shouted.

Caw stopped and turned around, looking at her in astonishment.

“Have you lost your mind? There are humans in there!”

“You don’t care, why should I?” she yelled catching up to him.

“Because I’m an Xx!” he exclaimed. “If the humans are smart enough not to wish to anger the Kalent they will almost certainly extend me the same courtesy. You are a Baleel. No offense but they could slow roast you over open coals and nothing of consequence would be the result!”

“I’m still a councilor!” she replied. “They can use me as another hostage or something!”

“Compared to who they are holding at gunpoint, you are of absolutely no consequence!”

“Yeah, we suck,” she snapped. “but I still want to go!”

“By the ancient gardeners why?”

“Because I want to talk to them!” she replied. “I’m getting nothing but wormshit from official channels! I want to understand what’s happening and why? Who better to ask than human warriors!”

Caw looked at her in amazement. So great was her hunger for knowledge she was willing to risk her very life! That was so…

Romantic!

It was something right out of dramas, out of ancient history!

How could he say no?

“Well, more than one person has died because of Xvakk’Keen, the knowledge madness,” he chuckled, “but few do it with such style! You can die from this, you know.”

“Possible, but not likely,” she replied. “Only one thing is certain, though. I won’t get another chance like this!”

“Ok,” he replied with a shrug, “I’ll try to protect you with my Xxness but no guarantees.”

“Wasn’t asking for one!” she giggled nervously. This was insane… exhilarating, but insane.

“Well what are you waiting for?” Caw grinned. “Let’s go!”

***

Caw sprinted down the hall, hissing in exasperation as he had to stop every few dozen yards as Karashel “ran” after him.

“Can’t you go any faster?” he shrieked.

“If I could I would!”

An Xx, pushing a hover cart laden with boxes of data crystals, walked around a corner. Caw lunged forward and seized his cart. With a single jerk, he slid all of the boxes off, scattering thousands of crystals across the floor.

The other Xx shrieked and screamed in an alien tongue. Karashel didn’t know the exact wording but from Caw’s grin, it wasn’t nice.

“Get on!” he yelled.

Karashel flopped onto the cart and started wiggling herself onto it. Caw, his patience finally gone, grabbed her, rather inappropriately, and threw her onto the floating cart.

She squealed in surprise as she tried to grip the cart as Caw tore off at a breakneck pace, scattering Xx and other races as he threatened to plow right over them.

She laughed insanely. This was fun. She started making siren noises as Caw laughed, despite his rage.

“Woo Ooo… Wooo Ooooo...” she shrieked as Caw sprinted through the sprawling building.

A rather elaborately dressed Xx and a group of what were clearly guards were waiting for them at the exit.

“Woooo Oooooooooooo...” Karashel slowly tapered off into silence as Caw came to a halt directly in front of the lead Xx.

“What the FUCK do you think you are doing?!?!” the well dressed Xx yelled.

“Stopping a crime, ambassador!” Caw yelled.

“You can’t be serious, Caw!”

“As serious as a blocked bowel!”

“Crime?”

“One of the Eel Lords is in The Locus right now! There is only ONE THING that would have one of them here!”

“...”

“Now get the FUCK out of my way, Kawk!”

“Fuck it,” the ambassador said and started to walk away.

“Shouldn’t we help him?” one of the guards asked.

“Nah,” The ambassador said as he walked away. “It’s just one eel and a few humans. Caw is enough. Don’t reveal what that weapon does if you can help it,” he called out over his shoulder as he returned to his office.

He had a drama to finish watching.

Caw sprinted to his waiting grav-car, Karashel in tow.

***

Karashel squeezed her eyes shut as Caw, switching his grav-car to manual, careened through the capital with breakneck speed.

“By the progenitors themselves,” Caw screeched. “If they have touched so much as ONE THING I will snatch that glowing tally-wacker right off of his scaly head and SODOMIZE HIM WITH IT!!!”

Kalent don’t glow... Karashel thought to herself trying not to lose her rice balls as the grav-car turned on its side and she felt her stomachs being shoved down into her foot.

“What are they stealing?”

“Things priceless beyond measure! Things that belong to all of us, not just to those sanctimonious sperm breathers!”

“Eeeeeee!” Karashel screamed as they plummeted for what felt like forever.

Then, throwing her forward into the restraint webbing that had mysteriously appeared, the vehicle slammed to a halt.

She carefully opened one eye and saw Caw retracting the window. Standing there was a Federation trooper.

“What?!?” Caw snapped impatiently.

“You can’t proceed any farther, sir,” the trooper said calmly. “This is a combat zone.”

“Really?” Caw said in his best patronizing tone. “Is that why there are all these soldiers and tanks? Wow! I would have never guessed. Now get the FUCK out of my way!”

“Sir,” the trooper said pointing his weapon at Caw, “get out of the car, now.”

“Boy,” Caw said glaring at him. “Do you know who I am?”

“No, and I don’t care. Get out of the car!”

“I am Caw Itsheesh, the councilor for the Xx. If you think you have a problem now, fuck with me. Then you will know what a problem really is! Now I’m driving through this barricade. Shoot me if you want.”

“Sir!” the trooper yelled as Caw hit the accelerator.

The air around the car glowed as bolts from the guards’ blasters struck the vehicle’s shields.

“They actually shot at us!” Caw laughed as he quickly turned a corner to get out of the line of fire. “Maybe I should get a diplomatic transciever after all!”

He looked over at Karashel who had wiggled out of the restraint web and was cowering on the floor board.

“Relax, they can’t get through these shields with those toys! They would need… One of those!” Caw yelled as he hit the brakes as a strange curvy… thing… floated down in front of them.”

Caw retracted the window again and leaned out of his ride.

“Get out of my way, eel!” he shouted. “I’m councilor-”

“I am perfectly aware of your identity, Xx!” a loud voice said. ”Go away.”

“I will most certainly not!” Caw yelled at the craft. “I am going to The Locus and you will not stop me!”

”The situation is delicate. We do not need an Xx, especially you, further complicating matters.”

“Barring me from the archives is a direct violation of the accord!” Caw shouted. “Are you telling me that the accord has been broken? If so, there is no reason for the Xx to remain sitting on this spoiled egg you call the Federation! If I leave I’m taking ALL of our toys and we are going HOME!”

The strange craft hovered there in silence for what seemed like forever.

”Proceed but be warned. If you cause harm to our lord, it will not go well for the pathetic Xx!”

“Try it, you prickless bastards!” Caw yelled as the craft floated back up into the sky.

***

Hands tied behind her, Tawnie, glared at the Kalent with pure hate as she sat against the wall with one of the Forsaken soldiers standing over her.

Colonel Laurent rubbed his bruised eye. For a little slip of a civilian, that girl was a fighter. It took four of them, and one of her boots to his face, to stop her from attacking their hostage.

Thank God she snatched a sabergun instead of an AK. The AK’s safety was a lot simpler to figure out than the control interlock on what she grabbed.

“I am so very sorry for what the Federation did,” the sarcophagus said with a regretful tone.

“Fuck you!” Tawnie hissed as she spat at him, causing his attendants to leap between the two.

“Children, please,” the abyssal lord said calmly, “Human spittle is not dangerous to us.”

“You better fucking kill me!” Tawnie yelled at the Kalent. “Because when I get out of here you’re dead! All of you are fucking DEAD!!!”

“Tawnie,” the colonel said still rubbing his eye, “you will get your chance to kill soon enough, I promise. For now, please calm down.”

“Calm down?!?” Tawnie shrieked. “They killed my family!… They killed my MOM!”

“And we will avenge her,” Colonel Laurent said calmly.

“How?” Tawnie yelled.

“I think...” The colonel said turning to the Kalent. “I think it’s time for you to leave.”

“Yeah,” Tawnie hissed. “Let’s fucking do this!”

“The archives!” the sarcophagus said in alarm. “You can’t! We had an agreement!”

“The situation has changed,” the colonel said with a grim smile. “You need to go, now.”

“Sir?” a voice said over the colonel’s communicator. “We have a situation.”

***

“What the hell?” the colonel muttered in French as two figures were brought into the room, an Xx and … what the hell is that thing?

“What are you doing here?” the colonel asked.

“I’m Caw Itsheesh, councilor for the Xx,” Caw said confidently.

“And I’m Karashel, councilor for the Baleel,” Karashel added cheerfully. “Hi!”

“I didn’t ask who you were,” Colonel Laurent snapped. “I asked what the fuck are you doing here!”

“I’m investigating a crime against all species!” Caw said in a loud confident voice.

“Well then I suggest going to the human enclave!” the colonel replied with an icy voice. “If you want your crime, you will find it there!”

“And we shall, believe me, we shall!” Caw shouted in reply. “We are outraged by the events of today, the crimes committed by the Federation, and your kind, are unforgivable!”

“Our kind?” Tawnie screamed from the corner of the room. “Our kind?!?” she yelled as she struggled to her feet, only to be firmly sat back down by the human standing beside her. “Get off me!” she yelled at him as she bit his hand.

The soldier just smiled. Teeth don’t do much against combat gloves.

“But today I am addressing the crimes perpetrated by them!” Caw shouted as he pointed at the black sarcophagus. “Thieves! Vandals! Looters!”

“We have far greater concerns,” the sarcophagus said gravely. “the humans are going to destroy everything down there… everything.”

“W-what,” Caw gasped in horror. “You can’t!”

“We have the capacity,” the colonel replied. “Shouldn’t be that difficult.”

“What’s down there… It’s priceless!… Beyond priceless!… Please!” Caw begged.

“More priceless than fifty thousand lives?” the colonel asked. “They must be avenged.”

“They were!” Caw screeched.

“What?” the colonel asked.

“Oh dear,” the sarcophagus said in a rather shaken voice. “Yes, Colonel, Jessica Morgan exacted a terrible price for their lives. She unleashed what can only be described as hell itself upon the Vulxeen homeworld. They will be avenged several times over before the death ceases.”

The colonel shrugged and turned to Tawnie.

“Tawnie, if we untie you do you promise to behave yourself and get that lift operational?”

“Fuck yeah I do!” she said with a malicious smile. “As long as I get to see it burn.”

Colonel Laurent nodded to her warden who proceeded to pull her to her feet and cut her restraints. She grabbed her tools and sprinted towards the exit, pausing only to flip off the xenos as she left.

“Look,” Caw said imploringly, “Colonel was it? What is down there are treasures for all people, all species, things that-”

“If it’s for all of us,” the colonel said cutting him off, “then why are we just now finding out about it?”

Yeah, Karashel thought as she looked suspiciously at her friend. What are you hiding, Caw?

“It’s… complicated...” Caw said cautiously.

“Is it?” the colonel smiled. “Well it won’t be for long.”

“If you do this,” the sarcophagus said evenly, “It will be war.”

“It will be war anyway,” the colonel replied. “Do you honestly expect me to believe that the Kalent, and the Xx won’t get involved anyway? It was a fucking Kalent that suggested our genocide in the first place!”

“What she suggested was far from what transpired, Colonel,” the abyssal lord replied from within his sarcophagus. “You have already struck one of the races behind the travesty that befell your people.”

“One that you, both of you,” the colonel said glancing over at Caw, “idly sat back and watched.”

“I didn’t know anything about it!” Caw screeched angrily. “You can be assured that we WOULD NOT have just sat idly by had we known!”

“I didn’t know about it,” Karashel added trying to help. “It wasn’t announced in the council or anything. For the record we are really angry about it too!… not that it matters much...”

“I beseech you,” Caw said his voice shaking, “please don’t do this!… Not this… The Kalent does speak the truth, though. If you destroy what is down there, the Xx will never forgive you as well.”

The colonel kept his countenance grim but he was becoming increasingly concerned. Two “elder races”…

“Hey,” Karashel said with a friendly, if a bit disgusting looking smile. “Maybe… maybe we could work something out?”

“Quiet,” Caw hissed. “This is beyond you, Kara.”

“I might not be some big 'elder race',” Karashel said puffing herself up to her full somewhat slimy height. “But I’ve been studying humans! And from reading their history I know two important things. When they are angry begging for mercy doesn’t work.”

She then flicked her eyestalks over to the Kalent.

“And neither do threats. Humans don’t give a fuck when they are like this.”

She undulated towards the colonel.

“So, why don’t we make a deal,” she said in a friendly voice. “You have them by the, as you call them, ‘short and curlies’.”

The colonel laughed.

“So, give them a tug,” she said in a friendly voice.

The colonel smiled at the slug-like creature. It had offered him an out, God bless the pink slimy thing.

“So what would you suggest, Kara was it?”

“Karashel, but Kara is cool.” she replied. “Well first of all why don’t we go see what all the fuss is about?”

She looked back at Caw with a wicked smile.

“I mean, these treasures are for ‘all of us’ , right?”

If looks could kill…

***

The lift went down for a good minute before it came to a stop.

The doors opened into a wide hallway, wide enough for small vehicles to drive down it.

“Ok, we’re here,” Caw said as the group left the elevator. “The data center is this way.”

“Yeah,” Karashel said, “That’s nice and all but what’s down that hall over there, the one you are trying very hard not to look at?”

Caw glared at her.

“Let’s go that way!” Karashel said brightly and started scooching along.

I’m going to shoot her, Caw thought darkly, Just as soon as I get my gun back...

The hallway ended at a large doorway.

“If you don’t mind,” the colonel said gesturing at the door.

Caw, cursing under his breath, entered a code into the keypad mounted in the wall.

A door as thick as the entrance to a bank vault silently started to open.

The lights switched on, illuminating huge chamber filled with row after row of books, scrolls, stone and clay tablets… statues…

And some cases that were completely obscured.

The colonel let out a low whistle as he looked around.

“A museum?” he asked.

“A repository of priceless manuscripts and artifacts”, the sarcophagus answered.

“Artifacts of what?”

He smiled as he caught Caw glancing over at whatever was in that black box behind him.

“Um...” Caw said uncomfortably, “Items collected from the various races of the Federation, things from their early history.”

“Annnnnd?” Karashel asked impishly.

“And ‘other stuff’...” Caw mumbled.

“My Xx friend here is quite correct in his accusations,” the sarcophagus said. “We intended to remove certain items for safekeeping. We felt they were no longer safe here. Our current situation is proof of that. Even you must agree, Caw Itsheesh.”

“Tell me about this ‘other stuff’,” the colonel said examining a most unusual statue. It unnerved him.

Caw sighed.

“There are species, civilizations, far more ancient than even the Kalent,” he said, “Here is where their artifacts are stored, their writings, everything we could find is in stored here. This… This is why we joined the Federation. To gain access… to this.”

“And why didn’t I know about this place?” Karashel asked, just a bit angry.

“You?” Caw scoffed. “You haven’t even scratched the surface of the archives you can reach! Until a few days ago you didn’t even try. What good would this do for you? You can’t even begin to understand what is in here! If you reached a point where this would be of use then you would have been made aware of it, not that it would ever, ever happen to a society so devolved as yours!”

“Well fuck you too.” Karashel replied. “Maybe if we knew such things existed then maybe more races would be inclined to seek your precious knowledge.” she replied nastily.

“You don’t even begin to understand how foolish you are sounding right now!” Caw sneered.

“And you don’t have the slightest idea how much of a condescending prick you are being at the moment! Do you know why we are so ‘devolved’? You shitheads fucking hobbled most of us out of the gate, do you know that?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Culture shock, motherfucker!” Karashel snapped. “I’ve looked at my history too!” she said advancing on her “friend”. “Blindsided by you ‘siblingfuckers’ before we were even close to being ready! Completely overwhelmed, swallowed up by a galaxy a million times bigger than anything we expected. Slapped around by the Vulxeen and the Gvorta, and a dozen other races while you, and you,” she said pointing at the Kalent, “just sat there letting it happen!”

Her body started quivering.

“And why? Why?” she said starting to yell. “Pure ‘devolved’ colonialism! A fucking land grab! God forbid the Empire, who takes care of its subjects get to us first! We just got swallowed up! Could the Xx have survived that? Or the almighty Kalent? You were free to develop on your own, at your own pace, figure out things for yourself, and when you did enter the galaxy as a whole you did so fully established, able to stand on your own, protect yourself on your own!”

She turned on Caw undulating towards him angrily.

“And you have the fucking nerve to look down at us?” she demanded. “How long did it take you to develop your precious ‘post scarcity society’ huh? How many thousand years, how many hundred thousand years did it take? How many years did you spend just as fucking filthy as us? Did you go from where we were at first contact to your oh so perfect enlightened state in one-hundred and eighty-three years? Did you do it in two hundred and eighty-three, three hundred, four?”

Caw flinched.

“Yeah, that’s what I fucking thought!” Karashel snapped.

“Damn,” the colonel muttered. “I’m just going to look around a little while you guys sort things out,” he said with a smile as he started walking around looking at the strange and weird objects.

“But we didn’t have the archives!” Caw shot back.

“So fucking what?” Karashel replied. “Technological and societal progress are two entirely different fucking things. You can’t expect a society to just magically change just because they have some fancy new toys, you… asshole. We got grabbed and hurled right into the deep-end of this fucked up galaxy, free to ‘chart our own destiny’ right to the fucking bottom!… Fuck you! Our civilization survived, intact! So did all the rest of us lowly little dirty undeserving worms! Until you get hit with something like we did, you can’t say shit to me!”

“You tell them,” the colonel smiled as he admired the most alien thing he had even seen in his life, an obelisk, floating on its side in a long crystal case.

“Amazing,” he muttered and then he froze.

There on the obelisk, was a very familiar symbol, an eight-rayed chaos star… with an… eye?… in the middle. The rays weren’t straight though, they were curved making a spiral and those weren’t arrows on the ends…

They looked like… hands!

Fear gripped him as he started to look at the other symbols more closely. He hadn’t been this afraid since his first battle, so many years ago.

He felt his mind “falling” into that obelisk… there was something in there!

He wrenched his gaze away from it and staggered back.

Pale and sweating, he walked back to the entrance.

He sensed the creature in the sarcophagus looking at him.

“So now you understand?” it asked quietly as Caw and Karashel continued to yell at each other.

“I understand that you really don’t want to lose what’s in here,” he replied.

“I have a proposal,” the abyssal lord said quietly, “How would you like to survive, not just you, your men as well. I can make that happen.”

“Yeah, only to stab us in the back once we are safely away from your little treasure trove.”

“You little boneless slimeball!” Caw yelled.

“You judgmental feathered dickhead!” Karashel snapped.

“I personally believe that the Forsaken are here to stay,” the ancient fish replied. “The Federation isn’t going to win, at least not completely. How would you like to be their envoy to the Kalent? Your men can be your staff. You join me on my ship and we return to our home system. We will prepare an embassy for you there where we can ensure mutual non-aggression.”

“I thought nobody returned from your homeworld.” the colonel replied quietly, their conversation completely overshadowed by the raging argument next to them. It was starting to get ugly.

“They don’t,” the abyssal lord replied. “It will be a one way trip for you and your movements will be very restricted.”

“Sounds like prison. Hard pass.”

“Perhaps,” the creature replied, “but it will be a most pleasant incarceration. Our guests are quite happy and it will be a far better fate for you and your men than your current one.”

“How can you say that?” Caw yelled. “The two situations are completely different! You are comparing a rock with a rock lizard!”

“Really?” Karashel yelled back, “Consider the rise of organized labor in twentieth-century America...”

“Oh here we go with twentieth century Terra again!” Caw exclaimed. “I wanted you to glance over it as a cautionary tale, not make a fucking religion out of it...”

“Why don’t you address my point instead of bitching about it… bitch!”

The colonel looked at the black sarcophagus with a shrewd look in his eye.

“Here’s the deal,” he said after a few moments. “I go with you. My men get the option between staying with me or evacuation.”

“Evacuation?”

“Yes,” the colonel smiled. “A fleet of transports, completely unarmed, will be allowed into this system. We will then evacuate everyone who wishes to leave, everyone. While that happens I, and a few very well armed and well equipped soldiers will remain here, to ensure the Federation’s good behavior. If anything goes wrong, we start blowing shit up. Once they leave, me and my men will go with you. You can execute us at that point if you want or you can take advantage of the opportunity to start a dialogue with the General, something that you really want to do.”

“I cannot make promises for the Federation, Colonel.”

“Bullshit,” the colonel replied. “That’s my deal. Make it happen or hope you took good pictures.”

The sarcophagus sat there silently for a moment.

“Listen here, you little shit!” Caw yelled, “You can claim ‘culture shock’ all you want but does not excuse-”

“It isn’t a fucking excuse, shithead!” Karashel shouted, “It’s an explanation!”

“What’s the difference?”

“What’s the difference?!? Listen here, pillow stuffing...”

The sarcophagus moved towards the colonel.

“Alright, we will make it happen,” the creature said. “It will take some time, but we do have pull, perhaps not as much as you believe, but we can exert pressure.”

“No problem, gives us more time to set the charges,” the colonel smiled.

***

An hour later Karashel and Caw were still going at it.

“And you leave the Aat out of this!” Caw yelled.

“Why?” Karashel replied. “Just because they are your little pets makes them immune to your pathetic rating scale? How is their ‘post scarcity’ coming along?”

“That is completely unfair!”

“My point exactly!”

“Gah! That’s ‘wormshit’ and you know it!”

“Ok, how are they when it comes to other societal factors, hmm? Public welfare doesn’t require literacy! How about universal suffrage? You mentioned kings, where does feudalism rank in your little grade book?”

“They are still developing!” Caw said defensively. “At their age, your people were likely still figuring out how to rub sticks together!”

“Why would we… nevermind!” Karashel gurgled, the yelling wearing out her voice box. “You love to compare us to you but compared to you we aren’t that much more advanced than your little Aat buddies are we?… Or are you not as technologically advanced as you claim to be?”

“SCREEEEEEEE!!!” Caw screeched. “You are without a doubt the most arrogant presumptuous sanctimonious little turd I have ever met!”

“Quit complimenting me and answer the fucking question!” Karashel said spitting up a little bit of phlegm. “Where. Do. We. Compare. To. You. Relative. To. The. Aat? Are we closer to them or are we closer to you?”

Caw just stood there and fumed.

“Thought so,” Karashel said triumphantly. “You give them a pass and shower them with cuddles and kisses only because they have tech that you want. I bet if we had things that you wanted you would be much more forgiving of our little shortcomings as well, us ‘still developing’ and all.”

“If you developed as much native technology as they have, sure, we would be much more ‘forgiving’” Caw replied, “But you haven’t done shit and the Aat had even more of your ‘culture shock’ than you did.”

“Wormshit,” Karashel snapped back. “The Aat are protected by their bulletproof minds! They are so far behind most of it went clear over their heads… and they have been protected by you since you found out about all of their goodies! Nobody is going to fuck with them!”

“But they were the targets of the injustices you cry about before that!” Caw replied with a sneer. “And they came out of it the winners, unlike the Baleel. If you want to try to pull in another race in a pathetic excuse to distract, do take care not to use one that completely outclasses you in every single way!”

“Listen here you piece of...”

“It is done,” the abyssal lord said, “The Federation has agreed to an evacuation of the capital in exchange for you sparing the contents of this room.”

“If you are intending to fuck us on this you do realize that you will have to deal with whatever the General considers worse than what she has already deployed as well as what I do here, yes?”

“If the Federation ‘fucks’ you they have us to deal with as well.”

The colonel gestured to one of his people

“Sir?”

“Get me a connection from here to the hyperspace relays. I need to speak with the General.”

“How can you not see the complete lack of validity your argument holds?” Caw screeched.

“If it is so invalid, prove it! All I hear is screeching and insults!”

“I can’t disprove a ghost! Your argument is indeed valid,” Caw screeched, “if your presumptions were true. You have yet to prove a single one of them!”

“Oh, really...”

“Should we tell them that we are done here?” the sarcophagus asked.

“Nah,” the colonel said with a smile. “We got plenty of time and I want to see where this goes.”

“Indeed,” the sarcophagus replied. “It is most gratifying to see an Xx get it’s rectum stretched over its head like this. What is that creature?”

“I think it’s a Baleel?”

“Interesting...”

***

“Ok,” Karashel gasped. “I will agree to forestall this ‘discussion’ until I ‘acquire knowledge’ concerning some of your points and verify some of your less asinine statements.”

“Yes… yes… We are going around in circles,” Caw sighed in complete exhaustion, “And we are running out of new combinations of slurs. I will also investigate some of your outlandish statements.”

As the anger and the Baleel equivalent of adrenaline faded she started to realize what she did, what she said.

Oh Creators what have I done?

“So...” Karashel asked looking down at the ground, “are we still friends?”

“What?” Caw looked at her raising his crest in confusion. “That is the absolute dumbest question you have ever asked, and that’s saying something. Of course we are! I haven’t had that much fun in ages!”

“That was fun?” Karashel asked in shock.

“Well,” Caw replied with a smile, “Wasn’t it?”

“...”

Karashel looked him with a combination of shock and horror.

“By the Creators themselves, it was… Void take me it was...” she gasped.

“Now we both retreat, gather fresh information, and then do this again!” Caw said happily. “You have chosen a most intriguing position, an invalid and doomed position, but an intriguing one. I look forward to the fresh thoughts this Xvakk’Lok, knowledge battle will create!”

“And I look forward to kicking your ass!… Not that I have feet...”

“I hope you will accept your defeat with the same amount of grace as the foolish confidence with which you approach it!”

“Oh bite me.”

“Bite you?”

“It’s a human term.”

“You two kiss and make up yet?” the colonel asked.

“We are taking a break to reinforce our positions,” Caw replied, smoothing his feathers.

“You do realize the exact circumstances in which you two decided to have your spirited debate?” the sarcophagus asked. “The extreme gravity? The potentially dire circumstances?”

“Silly me,” Caw replied. “I was so engrossed in teaching my silly little sidekick a lesson that you were the only one who had to make concessions. Don’t worry, if you had gotten in over your head, I would have come to the rescue.”

“...”

The colonel snickered.

“However, the fish is right. This is a rather unique situation,” Caw said to Karashel. “Since we are here there are some things I would absolutely love to show you...”

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